First let me start off with we went to our respective Support Groups last night. One of the girls in my group started her second phase of chemo – the Taxol. In my breast book Dr. Love does touch on “Chemo Brain”, and this has come up in group as well. It has been a slight concern for me as in the book it stated some women experience such a change in brain chemistry/physiology (and this has been documented with MRI’s etc., there are physical changes to the brain from chemo), that they have to relearn how they work, they can no longer multi-task, and their concentration is off, and they never get back to where they were functionally prior to chemo.
This scares me. It scared me even more last night when the one gal who is now on the Taxol portion of her chemo was expressing her difficulties that started the same day as her first cycle with memory, finding her words, and keeping a train of thought going. When we left group and hubby and I started comparing notes, the husband of this wonderfully bright lady was also expressing concern at how quickly it went from – “Ha ha, chemo brain, to this shit is a serious issue”.
I have been doing my Crossword Puzzles, and brain training games almost daily so I can try and retrain my brain as I am losing function in hopes of gaining back what ever I lose due to Chemo. But after watching “H” struggle so much last night to string words together and losing words as she was saying them, I have become extra worried as to what my outcome will be.
Hubby and I discussed this as well after groups were over. He said her “Chemo Brain” is causing fights between them as well. We have agreed to maintain open communication. He also brought up my blog here to his group. When he was asked if he reads it, he told his group no, I’m giving her the space to vent, that way she can talk bad about me all she wants and there are no repercussions. I keep telling him it is OK for him to read this blog. We agreed, even if it gets hard to communicate, we will continue to keep up our dialog. And I reminded him that even though I have this blog to help me express my feelings, and to keep everyone updated on my progress, I will still have days when I will just need to breakdown, I need him to accept me on those days and not try to “fix” it. He agreed he would allow me those days.
One of my dear friends sent me a PM last night, she had just finished catching up on the blog. She told me she laughed, she cried, and totally caught up on my “boob thoughts”. So much so that when she switched over to the following ad, she read it as Boob-toberfest! Bwaahahahahahaha!!!
Cracked me up! We should have a Boob-toberfest! It is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I’d drink to that, if I could taste it…..
This afternoon we meet the Plastic Surgeon and discuss what my surgical options will be and I can get some information on reconstruction if that becomes an option. Yes, I am still only looking at a lumpectomy, and if I actually stay with a lumpectomy I have to decide if I have additional surgery to make both breasts match. If I end up having to have a mastectomy, again, I have to decide if I want reconstruction. And yes, mastectomy could still be on the table. Right now we’re all planning on lumpectomy, but quite frankly things could change between now and the end of chemo treatments that would warrant the mastectomy. I need to understand what my options are and if I really want to go through extra surgeries.
Will let you all know how this goes after we’re done.
Life is …
Update:
Met with the Plastic Surgeon, saw some graphic photos of mastectomy and lumpectomy before and afters. We spoke about radiation, I will have to have radiation, and what this does to your skin. We were shown pictures of reconstruction after radiation. Plastic Surgeon emphasized reconstruction or lift really must be done at the same time as my primary surgery.
After seeing all of the photos and the doctor explaining what can happen, and how delay of any reconstruction until after radiation makes this much harder to create a good looking repair, hubby and I discussed this on the way home. Even if I have to have a mastectomy I will go with reconstruction.
Even after reading all the articles from O Magazine, I think I would go with a beautiful tattoo to emphasize my new beauty and power rather than no boob/half boob. Hubby doesn’t know that part though. He made me promise years ago no new tattoos, and I have kept that promise. But for this, I might need to break that promise. This is something we will have to discuss. When we get closer to that decision I will bring it up. No use arguing over it for the next 5 months, just causing friction for something I am not sure I will do yet.
So that happened, and I guess this means no matter the final outcome of surgery, there will be two nice boobies at the end of it. That is my power, to choose to keep boobies and I do choose this outcome.
Dr. Goldberg advised as long as surgery remains as lumpectomy the total surgery should take about 4 hours, no drains and I could possibly go home same day. That is not going to happen though, I have an insurance rider that pays out only after overnight hospitalization, so that will happen. We will still have to discuss what happens if no clean margins are able to be obtained and I have to have a mastectomy, but we have time. I still have 3 more cycles of phase 1 and 12 cycles of phase 2 to get through first.
Life is all about the boobs…