Monday, December 4 – Naps and contemplation

Monday was a recovery day.  I was still very tired from all the adventures of the weekend.  We did have to get to Costco to pick up the next round of prescriptions for phase 2 of chemo, and after a 2 hour nap by me after lunch, we did accomplish this task along with picking up a few items we could use to keep us and the Toothless Wonder Cat fed this week.

I finished the wristlet warmers, will post a picture of them once they are done drying.  (Hand wash and block to have the yarn to remember the shape you want them to be in when worn.)

Now the contemplation as I head into phase 2 of chemo.  The new unknown.  There is a bit of trepidation going into this new phase.  Blink is still there, a slightly denser area of tissue than the surrounding area of my breast.  It seems firmer the last couple weeks, not as mushy as it was just 3 weeks ago.  Is Blink fighting back?  It’s still a large area that feels slightly firmer than the rest of the breast tissue, how much will have to come out when we do the lumpectomy?  When my aunt went in for her lumpectomy she ended up having to have a complete mastectomy.  Will this be my fate as well?   How will I feel about this?f

How will the Taxol and Carboplatin affect me?  Chemo school told us that Taxol will make me tired, and it will have a cumulative effect on peripheral neuropathy.  How bad will this get?  I have mouth sores again from the last cycle of phase 1, will phase 2 make these worse?  Chemo mouth has kicked in again, will this just stay this way now?  How tired will I get?  Will my blood work remain good enough to continue treatment weekly?  I hate so many unknowns.  Hubby reminds me we take it one day at a time.

I can tell you right now with the ever changing consistency of  Blink, it concerns me that Blink has firmed up a bit since the 3rd cycle of phase 1.  I imagine the cells of Blink as malevolent dark gray beings delighting in finding ways to defeat the chemo drugs and my good cells.  I spend time every morning meditating, envisioning my healthy pink, gold, whitish, shining cells girding for battle, riding the steads created by the chemo drugs, charging into battle against Blink’s evil army.  I try to always see my army winning, but I’m not sure who is winning at this point of the battle.

There are times when I feel petty that I am so concerned with just me, there are so many others out there fighting bigger battles, but dammit, its my life on the line too, and I still want that long one.  The one where I get to see the progeny of my progeny grow, love, learn, marry, and have children of their own.  Where I get to see where we take ourselves as a people, how we grow, learn, expand our technology, go to Mars!  Explore space, explore the unknown in our own world.  I want to see all this, experience it, talk about how far we have come with my great-grandchildren.   I still want this, all of this, and more.

If I have to sacrifice my whole breast to get this, it’s what I will do.  Blink is not winning this war.  And that is what it is, war, and I will win.  I am Galadriel, I am Eowyn, I am Arwen, I am Mulan, I am Lucy Pevensie, I am Susan Pevensie, I am Rogue, I am Xena, I am Natasha Romanoff, I am Diana Prince, I am Merida, I am Hermione Granger, I am Jo March, I am Katniss Everdeen, I am Lisbeth Salander, I am Leia, I am Lilo, and I am Stitch, warriors and fighters for good they are all, all are in me, and I am strong.

And Blink whispers someone has to lose….

Life is holding on to your heros