Tuesday, December 26 – Visit with family

Tuesday, December 26 – Visit with family

Woke up at my new normal, and cleaned up email, worked on blog, and then got ready to head to lab for blood work.  Because I go to the lab so early for the blood work, we usually feed the Toothless Wonder Cat upon return from lab. I took on the morning feeding after we got back.  When I was done, we went over to the Postal Annex to send off the gifts for my Dad, Mom#2, and little brother and his family since we cannot be there for our traditional New Year’s Eve celebrations and gift exchange.  Timing is just wrong for us to do this with my chemo schedule, and I’m not sure yet if the CBD oil would keep me comfortable for that long of a drive.

Started planning my bag packing for tomorrow’s infusion, and waited a text message from my aunt letting us know when they were heading over for a visit.

We set up the left over BBQ just in case they wanted to eat once they let us know what time they were heading over.  Aunt, Uncle, cousin and her boyfriend.  We had a grand time talking, laughing, and sharing.  The afternoon slipped by quickly.

My Aunt did ask me about my diagnosis.  Even though she is a nurse, her specialty is not cancer, so I did go over my diagnosis with her and it was a little easier for me to talk about than I thought.  I’ve shied away from talking about my diagnosis for weeks now, not wanting to acknowledge that this really is a fight for my life here.  I’ve pushed that part into a box and put that box away in the deepest recesses of my conscience, to be ignored.

When Auntie asked me about the diagnosis, my first thought was do I even remember?  Yes, I pulled the box out, knew right where it was, and dusted off all those words that scare me.  Examined them and realized they didn’t quite have the same power to exude fear into my heart.  They are still scary words, invasive, aggressive, triple negative, which whispers to me lowest five year survival rate and someone has to draw the short stick.  But I notice the good words, no signs of spreading from the MRI, and the MRI is really good at picking up lymph node involvement; Stage 2A, this is better than Stage 3 or 4, right?

Maybe it was time to examine all those words again, having ignored them for so long.  Their power to terrify me is diminishing.   Don’t get me wrong, there is still some fear in there, and I keep it packed tight.  It remains in a corner, gray and black, swirling in a tight little ball, ready to pounce the minute I let my guard down.  It occasionally tries to taunt me, whispering the bad words: Mortality Rate, Recurrence, and Short Straw.  I ignore its whispers and refer to my bathroom mirror: Treatable, Curable, Survivable, Temporary.

I have so many praying and thinking positive thoughts for me, I will win this battle with so much behind me.  And I am so ever grateful for all those powerful prayers and thoughts helping me, giving me strength, providing me the energy I need to reduce the power from the words that scare me, making it easier for me to say those words again.

All too soon, and yet hours later, Auntie and Uncle, cousin and boyfriend said it was time to go.  Hugs and kisses, love and prayers exchanged, feeling boosted and ready to face the next cycle of chemo on Wednesday, we said our good-byes and they went on their way to figure out what they would do on their final hours of their visit to Southern California.

I finally felt hungry and tummy empty enough for another snack, and Hubby ate a plateful of the left over BBQ and sides.  I had a spoonful of coleslaw mixed with the garlic mash.  I have always loved the taste of cabbage and potato mixed together, in any form.  I added a couple pieces of sausage and a small bit of the BBQ Brisket and was stuffed to the gills by this little bowl of food.

Hubby went out to feed the Toothless Wonder Cat and I sat on the sofa to watch a bit of TV and promptly napped.  I woke about 30 minutes later filling a little refreshed.  I napped again later for over an hour.  I know as I missed my favorite evening game shows – Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.  Hubby had already moved on to Netflix.

Intricate knitting patterns are becoming difficult for me to follow, not sure if it’s the patterns or the actual holding of the knitting.  I’m getting frustrated and have pulled out the knitting several times now as I keep messing up the pattern.  I also cannot keep count and hold a conversation as I have been able to do in the past.  I used to be able to knit and watch TV, didn’t matter if I had to refer to a pattern to keep going; now I cannot.  I lose my spot in the pattern, I drop stitches, and I’m having a difficult time keeping my tension even.  I’m going back to my project list and pulling out projects that I think will have easier patterns so I can keep my hands and mind active, even if I have to revert to simple patterns/projects to keep this going.

Life is re-evaluating limitations