Today is my next follow up with Dr. Goldberg (plastic surgeon). I have been hoping against all hope that my hole will be allowed to close up so I can get on with this journey and move completely into cancer survivor mode. Hubby on the other hand is more on the side it will heal when it heals and if it’s not today, then we go on day by day and it will heal eventually. No big deal.
It’s been 8 months now since my diagnosis. I thought for sure I’d be finishing up with the end of my treatment plan about now and getting myself ready to go back to work. I haven’t even started radiation yet which will take at least 7 to 8 weeks. I find myself frustrated, angry, afraid, eager, and not in control. I look at the hair on my head every day and wonder when it will be long enough to see if my curls come back. I “listen” to my body to note the improvements as I recover from chemo at the same time I wonder what radiation will temporarily take away. I occasionally let the dragon loose to worry about free ranging cancer cells lurking in my blood stream or bone marrow just waiting for their next turn to take a bat at me, and is this waiting for my boob to heal giving them better odds at getting that second chance? Then I put the dragon back into his spot.
I receive a daily email with a brief essay on spiritual and physical issues with insights on how to deal with them in a proactive and life affirming way. Today’s essay was Control, and could not have been timed more perfectly. It reminded me that there are things we can control and there are things we cannot. When we find ourselves in a situation we cannot control, it is better to let go and “enjoy the ride” instead of making ourselves miserable trying to control the situation, which basically equates to giving in to our fear and anxiety. It reminded me within the first paragraph that letting go, accepting that I cannot control the uncontrollable, will allow me to experience freedom and joy in the “journey”. It reminded me that letting go of control is not as easy as it seems. And me being such a control freak at times, letting go of the attempt to control is not an easy task for me. It reminded me that it takes courage to let go and let life happen without trying to control it. What I can control is how I react to the uncontrollable.
Here is where I take a deep breath and face the uncontrollable with grit and a grin to find the amusement in this terrifying journey to survivorship.
A couple hours later and I am again on a three week hold while my breast continues to slowly heal. Dr. Goldberg is very happy with the improvement on the visual healing of my breasts. She believes my breasts match even better now. She is very happy with the progress on the healing of the hole in my boob. I’ve gone from 6 cm cavity to the left to a little over 1 cm, and the vertical cavity is mostly all healed. Very little space left on the vertical cavity; for the most part it’s completely healed on that side. She thinks the remaining cavity will close up in the next 3 weeks. Then and only then can I call the Radiation Oncologist to reschedule my mapping and subsequent radiation therapy. Dr. Goldberg said if I start radiation therapy before the boob is healed it will never close up. So I take another deep breath and face the next three weeks knowing I cannot control this.
On the way to Dr. Goldberg’s office I had brought with me in the car a bottle of Pellegrino to sip during our travels. It had rolled on the floor at one particular intersection and I mistakenly assumed because I had already opened the bottle, drank from it previously and added a lime slice, it would be fine. Nope, I cracked the lid open and I had Pellegrino foaming up all over the place while I quickly struggled to screw the lid back on the bottle. I had a lap full of bubbly water, and Hubby giving me a sideways look like “I can’t believe you just did that” comment about to roll off his tongue. As I grabbed napkins from the glove box the second thought to go through my brain came out of my mouth – “I am going to look like I peed my pants!” It was at that point, as I was sopping up the water from my lap, that I started laughing. I couldn’t help myself, this was damn funny! Hubby didn’t think it was as funny as I found the situation. Yes, I pulled a no brainer move, and now I had a wet lap, but that is funny shit! Just wish Hubby could have laughed as hard as I did. My leggings dried out in plenty of time so I didn’t have to walk through the building and into the doctor’s office looking like I had peed myself. And Hubby didn’t have to be embarrassed by the no brainer move his wife just pulled.
Taking another deep breath to cleanse out the anxiety, frustration and angst of not being in control, and I will face the coming weeks of continued boob packing and bandaging with a renewed sense of finding the humorous in my current everyday situation.
Life is like a roller coaster, to be ridden with joyous abandon
I would be laughing too. So much so that I’d probably pee in my pants for real. Robert needs to lighten up. It’s not as if people would have thought he peed his pants. I can’t begin to count the number of times my water bottle has leaked on me while I was driving and there was nothing, NOTHING, I could do about it. Keep finding the silver lining in the clouds.
I know exactly how difficult it is to learn to let go. I’ve had so many things to let go of in my life. It’s the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn and sometimes I still forget how to do it. Once you are able to leave behind the stuff that’s not important or that is hurting you, it’s like being set free from prison. I feel so liberated when I think about all the pain I no longer feel, even when the triggers that used to create the hurt still happen. You are too much like your Mama, my little control freak! Take a deep breath and let it all go.
I always did love a good roller coaster ride! LYTTMAB!