Tuesday, July 3 – Forgiveness and Affirmations

I am still attending the weekly lecture series based on Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. This week we started touching on anger and forgiveness. This was the sole driver for my signing up for this lecture series, how do I deal with the anger, frustration, hurt, rage, hate, ANGER, over what has been done to my breasts. I feel so disassociated from my breasts. They are unreal to me. They are ugly to me, and I am still struggling to deal with this physical manifestation of what cancer has led to be done to me.

The facilitator of our lecture was giving us some examples of what makes us angry and how we can work towards forgiveness. She mentioned she is frustrated with her brother and his lack of help in dealing with their mother who suffers from Alzheimer’s. She said she turned it into an affirmation when she realized how much this was lingering as anger for her: “I choose to love my brother as he is now.” I wrote that down but changed “brother” to “breasts” (and “he” to “they”). As I was writing it, my heart heaved, my lungs froze and my eyes blurred with tears. I refused to cry in the middle of all these people who are dealing with their own cancer survival (or not) ordeals.

We were then handed a page with a list of different sentences regarding forgiveness. We were asked to read through them and then in turn we were to read out which one resonated with each of us the most and why. I read through the list, still trying to reign in my dragon that decided now was the perfect time to start circling in my gut. I triggered on “Anger is like carrying around additional weight that we do not want. It is unnecessary baggage that gets in the way of us experiencing complete joy and happiness in life.” That is what I feel, all the emotion about my breasts are a huge weight around my heart, chaining it up and not allowing joy to pass through. When it came to my turn I could not speak. My throat chakra was no longer a beautiful blue, it was black and my voice was frozen in my hitching breath. My eyes continued to allow tears to slowly leak out and down my cheeks. Our facilitator understood and allowed me a pass along with another in our group who needed a pass for the same reason. Her voice was blocked by lack of air and tears.

I wasn’t wearing my white quartzite necklace. I don’t know if this would have helped me or not. I am wearing it today to be sure I keep good energies around me, and remind myself new beginnings may be scary but they are worth working towards.

After the lecture time was over, I had several women from the group that I know from my support group and other classes I have attended surround me, hug me; infuse me with love and support. Tell me it will eventually be right, even if it means I have to search out a new plastic surgeon. They all know what I am struggling with, and they don’t tell me not to struggle with it, to ignore it, to forget about it, to get over it. They just tell me I will heal eventually. It is OK to keep crying over the loss of my beautiful breasts. And the tears can keep coming until I am done, and someday I will be done with this part of my healing. I told them I sometimes feel so stupid for being so hung up on the physical appearance of my breasts, my husband doesn’t care, so why is it so hard for me to accept them now. I was given permission by this wonderful, loving, wise, and accepting group of women to continue to grieve. They reminded that everyone has something different, and this is my baggage. It’s ok that this is what I am hung up on. It’s ok that I still don’t like my breasts. It’s ok that I am struggling with this issue. I was reassured that they all love me for me, and even though I may not feel it or know it right now, I will get to the point where I will feel it and know it, I will feel beautiful again, I will get to the point where I can look at my breasts and see me, not ugly. I will get to the point where I can feel whole again. And they will be there with me the whole way.

I thank God for my husband, who at the beginning of this whole odyssey insisted I had to join a support group. If he has not insisted I would not have gone to that first meeting. I would not have met some of these beautiful women who uphold me right now. I would not have been introduced to some of the lectures offered for free through Cancer Support Community, where I have met some more women who have traveled near the same roads I am walking now. If he had not insisted, I would not have so much support helping me through this hardest part for me. The anger at what I consider my butchered breasts. And to top off all this boob hatred, I have discovered a third boob. Saggy Saga has a baby boob. It’s a separate “bulge” next to the saggiest part of Saga. Just disgusted…

I did call Dr. Goldberg’s office today to ask when I can submerge again so I know when I can swim, and for copies of my original pre-surgery pictures. I noticed she has not asked for post-surgical pictures. If I decide to have another try at plastic surgery, I will have the pictures of what my breasts used to look like. I can also print off copies of the pictures and have a burning ceremony to help with closure of this whole ugly boob business. I am so ready to be done with crying over these stupid things. Soon, it really needs to be soon that I look in the mirror and no longer cringe and want to cry.

I did go with Heather to the Long Beach Street Faire on Saturday evening. I found an aluminum ring that the artist personalizes for you. I knew I wanted a ring but was not sure what I wanted on the ring. Heather and I decided to sit down for a bit, give my feet a rest and grab a bite and some fluids at the Auld Dubliner. As we were sitting there talking waiting for our fries to come, I realized what I wanted on the ring:

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is perfect.

Friday afternoon Joseph and Heather came over so Joseph (The Grandson) could pick out some beads to go with his feather that he asked me to make into a necklace for him. Before he would pick out the beads he told us he had an important question, could he spend the night. Heather was flabbergasted. She kept coming up with excuses as to why he could not, they hadn’t brought extra clothes with them, he had no PJ’s, and there was no planning… Grandpa and I came up with responses for each of the objections. His clothes were clean, his underwear could be turned inside out so it would be like wearing clean underwear (he loved that one!); he could wear one of my T’s as pajamas. Then she pulled the no toothbrush one, but that didn’t hold water as he has a toothbrush here – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toothbrush. All objections were overridden and Joseph was allowed to spend the night. We had a great time. It’s been over a year since he has spent the night.

Sunday I made Sangria to go with our dinner. Robert (Hubby) requested Tortellini and bread. Of course I had to add some bruschetta and then there was dessert – sweet pecan pie crust hand pushed out to a giant rectangle to create an Italian fruit tart. Heather helped me pit cherries and we placed halved cherries and quartered strawberries on the pie crust, added a simple balsamic glaze, some fresh rosemary and thyme, some salt and pepper and baked. Robert was not happy with me for abusing my feet with all this standing, but I was in my element cooking.

Monday morning, before the lecture, was the appointment with the neurologist. She was very nice and confirmed what I had been telling Robert all along. I have to learn to deal with the neuropathy. If I can get some relief from the symptoms I would be very happy, but my old lady walk maybe something we have to live with for a long time, or forever. The Neurologist told us that we can find some relief from medications, but it will not remove all the symptoms. Robert also asked about exercises, and I told her that I’ve been searching the web for exercises to try and help but they all seem geared toward those with diabetes or muscular and/or skeletal issues. She agreed exercises for neuropathy will not help my symptoms. I have chemically induced, chemically killed neurons. The best we can hope for is my nerves will heal and the neuropathy will go away. For some, this never happens. Only time will tell.

She did change my Gabapentin prescription. She said that 300 mg at night was definitely not enough. She had a new prescription sent into my pharmacy to change the dosage to 100 mg capsules. I am to continue to take 300 mg at night before bed, but start adding 100 mg in the morning. If after a few days, that does not provide enough relief to allow for a more normal lifestyle, then add another one at mid-day. I can continue to increase the dosage every few days until I can get through the day with normal movements without having to stay off my feet or not use my hands for hours at a time. The goal is to not try and remove all the sensations from the neuropathy, but to give me enough relief I can have a semblance of normal. She also signed the DMV paperwork for a temporary handicap placard. At this point, steps mean everything. The fewer steps I have to take in a parking lot allows me that many more steps where I really want to be walking.

Robert was relieved to know that my pushing myself on my feet was not creating more damage as he could see me walking more gingerly, hunched and haltingly. I think he finally understood what it is I have been feeling as I continue to try and be “normal” throughout the day. After Saturday and Sunday, my feet are still not very happy with me. The more I use them the more they hurt and the longer it takes for them to go back to the normal buzzy, numby feeling, and then the shorter the time it takes to bring them back to the super painful walking. I don’t think adding the 100 mg in the morning is quite going to cut it, but it’s only been one day with the new dosage.

After I had pulled myself together from my emotional outpouring at the lecture series Monday afternoon, I headed to AAA to get the temporary handicap placard. From there to the pharmacy to get new Gabapentin prescription, then to Whole Foods to get some fresh herbs I learned about at a Lunch and Learn at Cancer Support Community last week. Lemon Balm is supposed to be very good for nerve issues, and they didn’t have any fresh Lemon Balm, but they did have Lemon Balm oil, so I picked up some of that. I have been adding fresh herbs and the Lemon Balm oil to my water.

Heather and Joseph were back at our house Monday afternoon so Heather could do some laundry. The washer at her complex was being hogged… He and I ended up in the back yard blowing bubbles. The magic of bubbles is ageless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I almost forgot, the facilitator of the lecture series also introduced us to cards called “Affirminators” (you can find them here on Amazon).  She walked around the group with the deck fanned out and had us all pick a card.  Mine read as follows:

“Strength – You are hereby declared a strong, resilient warrior of heroic proportions.  Enjoy your battles, whatever they are, because you’re guaranteed to come through them stronger, brighter, and more compassionate. (And based on what I know of mythology, probably with great hair and a six-pack.)

I loved that card, it was exactly what I needed.  So I ordered a box for me.  I plan on picking out an affirmation card every day at random to add to my other list of affirmations:

1. I find enjoyment in exercising every day.
2. I am a hard working and productive person.
3. I am mindful of what I eat.
4. I choose to love my breast as they are now. (Even though I still cannot say this one out loud)

And today’s pick:

Get Centered – When it gets to be too much, whatever it is, I close my eyes and return to center.  In my center, I have the wisdom and tranquility of a sea turtle, holding a crystal, floating through space on a chaise. (Sea Turtle, crystal and chaise were all fill in the blanks on the card.)

Part of the theory of Affirminators is that positive statements said out load can radically improve your mood, relationships and life experiences.  I love these cards.  They impart a witty wisdom and make me smile.

Today I did breakdown and use an electric cart at the grocery store.  My feet really do not like me much today and it didn’t take much to start the walking on rocks pains to start in after our first stop on our errands today.

It’s past bedtime and I am starting to feel really tired, so I will cut this off here.

Tomorrow is another day.

Life is knowing I will get through this