Last Thursday I started feeling tired. I chalked it up to not sleeping well because the boob was starting to hurt, and the nipple irritation just seems to be getting worse. It is enough to annoy me all day long, and started waking me up at night. As I got through Friday’s treatment and said good-bye to the techs for the weekend, I felt tired then as well. All weekend I was chalking it up to bad sleep, but now I cannot say that is why I am feeling so tired.
I’ve quickly learned that if I stay active and engaged the fatigue stays at bay in the background. It’s there, I can feel it trying to creep up on me like a fungus, ready to grow all over me and bury me in sleep. It’s a dark insidious monster lurking in the background, waiting for its prey, me, to stop, to take a moment to sit or do nothing and then it pounces. It makes my eyes feel heavy and gritty; my limbs start to weigh 10,000 pounds each. My brain starts to go fuzzy, and this black, creeping monster whispers in my ear “sleep, you just need to sleep.”
Friday I had another Sound Bath guided mediation that I went to with Linda. We went to a little shop in El Segundo very close to where she lives and went through another guided meditation with Jeralyn Glass who has a wonderful collection of crystal bowls. Her bowls all have different qualities and are made with different types of crystals. She also incorporated the full moon into the meditation. Each time I do this it is different. Linda’s neighbors also joined us for this meditation and we all went dinner at a little cafe in the same shopping center after the meditation was over. We had a wonderful time and laughed a lot!
I pre-cooked my vegetarian meal for the week on Sunday; Stuffed Cabbage is what Joseph picked out for me last week on a visit here. It also suggested a Cashew-Ginger Sauce be served with the dish. The cabbage is stuffed with carrot, currants, apple, celery, cashews and sunflower seeds all blended into ricotta cheese, which I also made. The dish is quite good! We had no kids for dinner on Sunday, they all had other plans this past weekend, so Robert and I had a nice quite dinner just the two of us and watched a movie.
Saturday I asked for a date, so we took a drive around the bend in my convertible and stopped for dinner at Good Stuff. I still stuck to my “diet” and ordered a hummus wrap filled with vegetables. I was going to have soup, but the soup was chicken tortilla, which I normally like, but I didn’t want the chicken, so I passed on that. I did reward myself with sweet potato fries. I was good; I swam for 45 minutes Saturday morning.
I also have my new waterproof mp3 with waterproof ear buds so I can listen to music while I swim. It has this great setting on it where I can still hear background sounds while the ear buds are in. At the highest filter setting, I hear nothing but the music, and at the lowest filter setting, the bubbles from my exhales in the water are super loud and completely cover up the music. The mid-filter setting is just right.
While I was swimming on Saturday, a song came on and the first thought that popped into my head was I want this song played at my Life Celebration, my funeral. Then I thought, why did I think that? I have many years to plan this, and then my Serious Simon brain reminded me about all my recent guided meditations. In the past 3 weeks I’ve had four guided meditations where I have been directed to meet my future self. In all meditations where others have reported a physical presence of their future selves, mine have all been ephemeral meetings. The answers I receive to the questions I ask have been vague or past tense. I don’t know if this is my fear imposing on my consciousness or my higher being me helping me prepare for a future that is shorter than I have been planning. This has been something I’m afraid to share with people. I did once, but I have not spoken out about it again at other meditations. This scares me, as I don’t know which one it is that is directing this visioning.
So, there it is, and this has also had me thinking and feeling like I need to get a move on in writing down how I want my Life Celebration to be handled and where I want my body buried. I’m also feeling rushed to update my will, and I have been reviewing our finances feeling like I have not saved enough yet to keep Robert and I secure in our future. Even though every time I run any retirement calculator, they all say we should be fine in retirement. Nevertheless, I feel pressure to save more so Robert has enough. That is usually his line, his thoughts, his worry. He always says I will outlive him, and he wants to make sure I have enough to be secure without him. Now it’s my turn to have that worry about him. I have now started a monthly investment and “round up” through the ACORNS app.
I am also feeling an urgency to get in as many adventures as I can with Joseph and Robert. Feeling like I am running out of time. From the time Joseph was born I have written him an annual letter for his birthday. I have them saved in my desk to present to him when he is 18 or 21, when I decide it’s time to share them. The letters are a chronicle of what he has accomplished the previous year leading up to his birthday; some family history and stories; and how much I have enjoyed watching all his new discoveries and accomplishments. I feel a compulsion to get as much into this year’s letter now too.
There is all this circling in my brain, so I turn to meditation to help me calm all the thoughts and just breathe and put all these things in their proper place. And I have reminded myself it’s OK to plan what I want at my Life Celebration now, as even if I do live to the 120 I had originally planned, it will be one less thing I’ll have to worry about later.
As a little side note on that adventure thing, I saw little jumping spiders on our green bin as I was taking out trash, so took a quick picture of one of them. They were eating ants that had decided to check out my green waste. 
I sent it to Heather for Joseph to see. He thought it looked cute and fuzzy, like a puppy.
Monday was our last class based on The Artist’s Way. I didn’t do the homework this past week and I was feeling guilty. I did have my potluck dish ready as I had prepped everything for it on Sunday, and I also had my inspiration & intention “collage” ready (remember my bird houses). I told our group facilitator that I had not done the homework for this last class. I felt so guilty. She, like a wonderful all knowing goddess, absolved me of my “sin”,
and told me it would be just fine for me to finish the last part of the reading and the tasks assigned at my leisure in the coming weeks. She too having gone through radiation therapy, was quite understanding of my sudden need to complete other tasks.
Radiation Therapy is going well. So far my breast is only pink. I have not reached that angry, raw looking red that Gina (from Support Group) had by day 12. I do have a great collection of folliculitis going on, it seems I get one new little inflamed follicle every day. There is now a clearly defined line of where I get that photon beam of particles zapped through my tissue. It’s amazing that they are able to direct those rays only through exact portions of the flesh so no other parts are affected.
Tuesday was doctor check up day. My doctor – Dr. Endicott, is back from her vacation up in cottage country in Ontario, Canada. We were able to connect and discuss the area where she and her husband have a cottage as we have been there. Dr. Endicott is Canadian. We have even been to some of the same places. Once that was out of the way she asked me if my breast was showing any of the skin reactions to radiation. I told her “Oh, yes, it is quite pink and has a wonderful collection of folliculitis.” She asked if she could see. This is the first time Robert has seen my breast since radiation started. She agreed it is quite pink. Robert asked if the folliculitis was normal. I could tell he was a little taken aback about how many little fluid filled bumps I have no accumulated. He knew about the first one that showed up in that first week. He was not aware of the growing patch of them. Dr. Endicott assured him that was normal and everything that happens to my skin during radiation therapy will quickly heal once therapy is done. Well, except for the permanent changes to my skin and breast tissue. It will all shrink, the skin will not be nearly as elastic has it has been, and it will be harder, firmer than it has been. It will feel different than my left breast.
We also discussed the nipple/areola irritation and how my breast aches. She stated the irritation feeling is quite normal and common, but the ache is not as common. She asked if I am talking anything for the ache. I told her I am mostly able to ignore it during the day, but at night it was starting to wake me up. I had talked to Jackie on Monday and she suggested Tylenol or Advil, which I took Monday night and I was able to sleep until 4 AM before I was woken by the discomfort. She asked how many Advil I took, two of course. She said good girl on that one, as one Advil would do nothing. She also suggested I keep a second dose on my bed table to take during the night should I wake with discomfort. She also asked what creams I am using. I responded with “What am I not using?” We went through all the creams – Aloe Vera, Calendula, Miaderm, Miaderm-L, Aquaphor when I swim and go to bed, and Aveeno Oatmeal cream with Hydrocortisone. She said the Miaderm already has the Aloe Vera and Calendula, and she would prefer if I only use two or three creams so that way if I have an allergic reaction down line we can easily pinpoint what is causing it. I have yet to stop any of the creams/gels/lotions I am using. I am still only pink, I’d like it to stay that way for some reason, not advance to that angry, raw looking red.
She did like my tattoo for Tuesday. She laughed, unlike Dr. Simko who filled in for her while she was on vacation. He seemed to have no sense of humor. I asked her about my treatment plan; we had agreed to review it when she returned. She had to go get her tablet so she could show me the copies of the CAT scan they did and how the angles they are using to insure they are encompassing all the breast tissue they need to radiate does not hit my lung at all. There is some slight radiation to my ribs. I have asked for copies of the pictures from my set up and the CAT scans, I should have those tomorrow.
I didn’t make it to the gym on Tuesday as Robert was digging in the back yard to not only completely uncover the gas line that runs under what used to be a small grass area, but to create an trench that goes over 18″ deep so we can get the aging gas line replaced. He originally was digging up the pipe to see how deep or shallow it was before we had someone come in to lay paving stones in that area. We didn’t want a crew to come in and accidentally cut the gas line, not knowing it was there. When he initially uncovered it is when we discovered the outer coating of the pipe is starting to flake off down to the metal and that is starting to flake as well. We called out the Gas Company to check it to make sure it wasn’t leaking before we proceeded with calling in plumbers to get replacement quotes.
We’re waiting on one final quote… I didn’t want to leave Robert digging in the yard in the heat and humidity we’ve been experiencing, as I didn’t want to come home and find him dead in the yard. He has a tendency to push himself too hard and then suffers some sort of reaction, like he did on Tuesday. (Glad I didn’t go to the gym as planned…) He was frustrated that the last couple feet were not the depth he thought it was (he had to do more digging) and dug so hard and fast that he started cramping up all over. He was over hot and had drunk all his water already. Thankfully I heard him yell for me and quickly got him more water and an ice pack to lie on his neck to help cool him down. The trench is finished though!
Today I slept until 9 AM, and I am feeling the fatigue. I forced myself to the gym and swam for 30 minutes. By the time I got into the radiation treatment room this afternoon I was so ready for a nap. I thought for sure I’d fall asleep in that quick minute it takes to zap twice from the left and then zap twice from the right. Art and David were my techs today and they agreed it was nap day. I suggested we cancel all the appointments after mine and we all take turns napping on that hard, cold table. Art and David both agreed that was very tempting! Art said so far of all my tattoos that I have worn; his favorite is the Lego Radiation Suit guy and the Banana. I told him he would really like tomorrows tattoo then. It’s a surprise!
As much as I want to fight the fatigue, I hear my bed calling to me. It wants me there, snuggled in the cool sheets, a pillow under my breast to keep it from pulling and aching more, the fatigue insidiously whispering in my ear – go, go to sleep; sleep for a million star light years; sleep and float through the cosmos; sleep and dream.
Tomorrow I have a date with Linda at the Gym between our two locations so we can swim together. Then I have a date with my daughter to go see Mama Mia 2 tomorrow night. I might need that nap….
Life is defying the fatigue
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