Month: September 2018

I realized on Monday that I was hiding how tired I am from Robert. I had fallen into one of my micro naps while reading the book Facing Forward: Life After Cancer Treatment. I heard Robert’s office door open and could feel myself saying “wake up, wake up!” I was finally able to lift my head and acknowledge Robert before he suspected I had been napping. I do not know why I feel like I need to hide how tired I am from him.

Monday was my follow up with Dr. Endicott. She likes how my skin is clearing, explained how the internal damage will still take much longer to heal. The achy feeling I have from radiation treatment may take as long as a year or more to dissipate. The ache has decreased, but it still is there and flares to a more acute pain depending on how active I have been.

After my appointment on Monday morning, I attended a two-month follow up session to the Artist’s Way course I took through the Cancer Support Community. It was nice to meet up with the group again. We all created a bond, a sacred circle, and checking in with each other was motivating to keep up with the lessons we learned in this course but also heartening to hear how everyone is moving in such positive directions.

Yesterday was Robert’s follow up with the urologist and we stopped in at the lab for my blood draw prior to next week’s appointment with my oncologist. I also threw in a waxing appointment, as suddenly my legs were super hairy again. One day it is just a few sparse hairs on my legs, and then overnight it is as if a bush grew. I still do not have any new razors in the house to shave with, so waxing again it was. I actually fell asleep during my waxing session. I did not realize that was possible, but yes, I made that happen. Yesterday was also Support Group night, and prior to Support Group was a Puppy Party. It was for the kids, but adults were welcome. Kelly and me from our group went and took a turn in with the puppies. There were two actual puppies, the rest were just small dogs. Nevertheless, it was nice that a little Malpoo just dropped himself into my lap at one point. He was exhausted from playing with the kids. He brought me a toy, crawled right into my lap, and hid there. Kelly had fun with a couple dachshunds.

Maryka was back at group last night. Since she moved to Long Beach a few months ago, she only comes once every four to six weeks now. Anne had Maryka talk first, and then Maryka picked me to talk next. I confessed that I am still tired, I have my MRI today, but not too worried about it, just some mild anxiety. I also confessed that I have been hiding how tired I am from Robert and I do not know why. Just as he is not allowed to see me naked, I hide how tired I get from him. I told them how overwhelmed I feel about trying to get myself back into a routine so I can go back to work. I really want to go back to work and just as Dr. Ali-Jones predicted, I do not think I will be ready to get back by October 8th as I was hoping. The tears started of course, and all my fears and anxiety came out. Anne asked me why I feel like I need to hide this from Robert.

Maybe it is because I have disrupted his days for a year now. He runs his own business from home and I have interrupted his normal routines. He has had to accommodate me being home all day, a lump on the couch most of the time for that year. I know he would like his days back without having to work around me and all the damn doctors/treatment appointments. I guess I am tired of feeling like a burden to him. Anne asked me if I thought he would be upset if he found me napping. No, no he would not. I know he would just make sure he did not disturb me and move on.

I also told them I am worried about disability. I do not know what happens if you have to be on disability for more than a year. And looking it up or finding out what happens next is just too much for me to deal with right now, but I know that next expiration date is looming on the horizon and I cannot keep putting it off. I want something more normal. I want to feel some kind of normal and I just do not feel that right now.

We had a woman return to group last night that had stopped coming a few months ago. Angelica was triple negative, did have some lymph node involvement as well as testing positive for BRCA1 gene mutation. She had a bilateral mastectomy, chemo and radiation because of the lymph nodes. She opted for reconstruction during her mastectomies, so expanders were placed during her mastectomy surgery. After radiation finished (in February), she noted she started to not feel well. She was back to working her Financial Planning job full time and it included lots of travel, so she talked the general malaise and tiredness to all that traveling. Turned out she had an infection in her right expander. They put her on intravenous antibiotics for 7 days, but that did not clear up the infection so she had to have surgery at the end of March to remove the expander that was causing the infection.

After that, she had a new CT scan done. She cannot have MRI’s as the expanders have metal parts in valve area that is used to add fluid to help create the new “envelope” or “pocket” that will be used to place the silicone implant to complete the reconstruction. He CT scan showed a spot on her right lung. They have been watching that spot since March now, and it has continued to grow and become more dense. She was sent a pulmonologist to have him review and he did a bronchoscopy and took a biopsy but told her he was referring her to a thoracic surgeon immediately. He told her he is 90% sure this is a cancer in her lung. She will have the results of the biopsy later this week and has the first appointment with the surgeon on Friday.

Knowing that triple negative is so aggressive and that one of its first places it usually metastasizes is the lungs and the bones, I am not surprised by Angelica’s news, as much as this scares me. There is an online learning session today about living with metastatic triple negative BC, but I will miss the first part of it as I have physical therapy starting at the same time. They do post the recording on line later, so I can catch up on what was said in the future. I forgot to tell Angelica about this option. I will get her the info next time I see her.

I have been awake since 2:30 this morning, and I think it is just general anxiety about my MRI this morning. I really do not think they will find anything on this imaging, but there is always anxiety around imaging and testing for any signs of cancer return. I will definitely need a nap this afternoon.

I also confessed to Robert last night that I have been trying to hide how tired I still feel. He thinks the reason I try to hide it from everyone else is because I am trying to hide it from myself rather than just embracing what my body needs to heal. I cried yet again. I am so tired of being tired, of feeling like I am disrupting everyone else’s lives, of not feeling up to doing activities I want to do.

I made it through the past year, I am sure I will make it through the next few months. I am so tired of being tired.

Life is looking for the light at the end of the tunnel

Yes, it has been a couple weeks. Yes, I am still tired and trying desperately to find my new normal. Every day is different. I can get up right away, feel energetic, my goals for the day seem achievable, and I feel like I can do this every day. I get everything accomplished, I have the energy and stamina to get my “to do” list for the day done. Then the next day, I am exhausted, I sleep way past my goal wake up time, I still have my goal list for the day, but it seems exhaustively long; even though I purposely make my goals easy – exercise, eat, clean out emails, write, eat, craft, nap, craft eat, watch TV and knit. However, most days I find this all hard to complete.

If I have any kind of interruption to my planned day, I find it so difficult to get back to the daily goals I have set. I have been trying to create new healthier habits, with exercise and then diet being the priority. Even though I still suffer with neuropathy in my hands and feet, now that my skin has healed up so nicely, swimming is back on the menu, and exercise is one of the goals I keep trying to make happen consistently.

So far, interruptions seem to be a consistent, while everything else falls to the wayside. Moreover, how in the hell do I feel more tired now than I did two months ago? The topper is I find myself tearing up over the stupidest things. I feel overwhelmed with trying to take care of myself (exercise, eating more fruits and vegetables, eating consistently). The attempts to schedule my post cancer treatment imaging for my Oncology check up next month was enough to bring me to silent tears and just want to give up several times. I did not feel ready to have a standard mammogram, my breast is still too sensitive to deal with that; and there is that lingering fear that a mammogram might miss something due to my dense breast tissue. After weeks of calls and told something different by each person I spoke with; from the Breast Diagnostic Center to my Primary Care Physician, and then my Oncologist office, I finally received the authorization for an MRI and that has been scheduled.

There was Hurricane Florence and all the news going around, and the speculations and predictions over what would happen, who would be hurt by this storm, how it was politicized, and the dredging up of the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, and the finger pointing. I was exhausted by all this in the few days leading up to landfall. I worried about my family in the region; but could not bring myself to do more than that. I could not deal with the overwhelming information and arguing about who would help or hinder any recovery. In addition, I was purposely ignoring the news about this situation just so I would not become overwhelmed. I found myself near tears yet again in the oddest places; making my meals, going to the bathroom, reading.

One of my friends shared a post in Facebook after landfall of Florence, written by a survivor of an F4 Hurricane in 1999. She stated in her editorial that Social Services came through, after her neighborhood was demolished, and advised some of the things that can happen after this type of devastation – emotional issues that manifest as physical problems – lost jobs, alcoholism, drug use, divorce, etc. Social Services advised it would be 2 years before they all started to feel normal again. She said it took about 6 months for her neighborhood to look normal, but she saw every ill that Social Services said follows, happen in the following two years.

The woman also stated that what Social Services failed to advise them about was their ability to process information changed too. Decisions that had once been easy were now difficult. Activities that normally required little energy output now seemed monumental unbearable tasks – like standing in line. She said, “All your energy, all your resilience, is gone, evaporated, or rather it’s being used to breathe, to move, to exist..” As I read these words and continued with her editorial, I found myself not just tearing up, but sobbing. This is me; right now. Everything takes so much energy. Everything is a monumental task. It takes all of me, to exist, day to day. There are days when I just want to stay curled in bed, and then I feel guilty for thinking I should stay in bed. I am cancer free, I am done with treatment, I should be out rejoicing, getting on with my life, dancing, swimming, getting ready to go back to work. Moreover, all I can think is that is just all so exhausting!

Thursday I received a large envelope from Torrance Memorial Medical Center with “CRC” written in on the return address. When I opened it, I found it contained eight sheets with a cover letter from Miriam the Cancer Survivorship Coordinator. It is information about my Treatment Summary and my Survivorship Care Plan, with instructions to take it to my Oncologist for us to review together. It provided me with a list of follow up care I should seek; how often I should be getting said care; and who I should reach out to get appointments scheduled. It also listed issues cancer survivors may experience and if I experience any of them, I should bring them up with my healthcare providers. Anxiety or Depression; Emotional and Mental Health; Fatigue; Memory or Concentration Loss; Sexual Function and so on. There was also a page with a Suggested Action List – Visit the Breast Cancer Survivorship webpage; Recommended records to keep copies in my files; What to talk to my Oncologist, my Primary Care and other doctors about; recommended reading – Facing Forward and/or After Treatment Ends.

As I went through all this information provided in nine pages, I was overwhelmed yet again. I had to move our miscellaneous items on the sofa so I could cuddle up with Robert and have a cry on his shoulder. I just told him I needed him to hold me, I was feeling overwhelmed and needed to cry. He asked me why I was crying, and I could not tell him. I do not know why I was crying, I do not know why I was overwhelmed. I just was. He chalked it up to me being tired and told me to put the paperwork away until I was not tired. I wish it were just because I was tired. I find more and more things, normal everyday things, overwhelming me daily.

I tell myself every morning “This is my new first day of the rest of my life”. Today I will…. and sometimes I do my I wills, and most days I’m lucky if I get half of my “Today I wills” accomplished. I try not to fight my fatigue, but then there is the guilt for not pushing myself forward. There are the days I am great at eating the higher amounts of fruits and vegetables I am shooting for, and keeping the calorie dense foods to a minimum, and then there are more days where I just find it to be a monumental task to even think about what foods I am eating. Even though I try to keep healthy snacks ready, just the thought of having to put anything back into the refrigerator is daunting. Other times, just thinking about having to pull food out of the fridge is so intimidating I would rather forego eating. Then there is the keeping up with logging my food so I can track it against my goals….

There is also the lingering fatigue that continually derails me and my plans to set my new normal. Today has been a day of just keep pushing to get through the day. I wanted to get up early enough to go to the gym before my physical therapy appointment. Did not happen. I could barely open my eyes or lift my arm when the alarm went off at 6:30 this morning. I managed to get up in time to get ready for my physical therapy appointment at 10 am. I have dry cleaning that is ready to pick up, has been ready to pick up since Monday morning. The thought of making that one stop has been too much for me to handle so far this week.

I was supposed to have my follow up with Dr. Endicott – Radiation Oncologist this past Monday. Her office called early and rescheduled me for next Monday, she is sick this week. Monday I did nothing. This was probably because Friday and Saturday were fun filled days for me. We celebrated! Mom #2’s birthday is this week, and she and my dad have started to make it an annual trip to Disneyland to celebrate about this time of year. This past weekend was no exception. They had planned to be here Friday early and made dinner reservations for all at Napa Rose. Saturday would be spent at the parks with dinner for us scheduled at Carthay Circle in Cal Adventure.

Friday morning when I got up, Robert told me he had a surprise for me. He had called The Grand Californian, the hotel at Cal Adventure, and was able to book a room for Friday night. He also got information about a rental company that would drop off and pick up an ECV (Electric Chair Vehicle) from the hotel for us to rent for my use on Saturday. This would alleviate the need to get up early Saturday to get to the parks in time to secure an ECV from Disneyland rentals, which do not allow you to reserve wheelchairs or ECVs.

I had dropped my car at Volvo the previous Wednesday, as I thought I was still hearing a squealing sound under the hood. They could not duplicate, and had asked me to come in Friday morning to be on hand when they started the car so I could point out what I was hearing. Turned out the sound was just a reverberation of normal start up sounds off the side of our house. However, my battery was starting to go, so I agreed to stay while they changed the battery. While I sat there waiting I scheduled the ECV to be dropped at the hotel the following morning and they told me I had use of it until noon on Sunday. I did not need it that long.

Turns out, the battery was not in stock and they had to get it from Culver City. I texted Robert to let him know the change of plans and that I was grabbing an Uber home. We packed for the overnight stay and then headed down to Anaheim to meet up with the parentals for margaritas, chips and salsa prior to dinner. We were able to check in early, and the front desk asked us if we were celebrating anything. Mom’s Birthday, engagement of son, and oh yeah, being cancer free. We got our bags situated in our room, confirmed who I would check with in the morning to pick up my ECV, and headed over to Tortilla Jo’s in Downtown Disney to meet up with the parents. We had enough time after to take a nap before heading down to Napa Rose to meet up with the kids for a family dinner.

Dinner was wonderful and we all parted ways, kids to their homes and my parents and us up to our respective rooms. My parents asked us what time to meet up in the morning. I said 9am, as I figured that would be the easiest time for me to commit too and actually be able to meet the commitment. Robert gave me a hard time about it, as this was the first time in over 20 years where we had to buy tickets for a day, but it actually worked out great, as Mom #2 was able to get a much-needed sleep in day.

We got in so many rides! Started with the “Starbuck’s” ride in Cal Adventure, and then headed over to Disneyland for a trip on Pirates, then over to the Haunted Mansion. From there we hit Splash Mountain then Big Thunder Mountain. Dad said he needed a trip on the “Mint Julep” ride over in the French Quarter, and then we headed over to Indiana Jones and some Jungle Boat Cruise.  From there went over to Space Mountain. Jordon and Kelly joined us (YEA!) and after Space Mountain, we went back on Pirates, as they really wanted to ride that. Then we headed back to Cal Adventure for a ride on Soarin’ Over the World, and a ride on the Radiator Springs Racers, and a trip on the Ferris Wheel.

We took a break before our reservations at Carthay Circle and had a wonderful dinner for a second night. We ended our night with Ghirardelli Ice Cream and a green Mickey Balloon. I love balloons!

Sunday I was exhausted, but Heather and Joseph came over for some grandparents time. Joseph spent his Saturday at Lego Land with his cousin Maddie and brought back a Lego Porsche to build with Grandpa. I ended up walking down to the corner liquor store with Joseph and Heather as Joseph wanted some beef jerky. Who knew this tiny little jaunt would practically bring me to my knees with weariness. I managed to make it through dinner without letting on how tired I really was.

Therefore, my doctor appointment on Monday morning being rescheduled was a godsend. I did nothing. I felt guilty and beat myself up a bit silently, but I did nothing. I researched apps on helping me with small step goal setting, sleep tracking and meditation. Tuesday I had a massage booked. Not a fun, spa day massage, but one to help break up the scar tissue that seems to be adhering to my chest wall contributing to the tightness in my chest. I also needed some strong work on my deltoid, trapezius, and upper pectoral muscles on my right side, as they have been over-compensating for the tightness of my lower pectoral muscle. Janel, my massage therapist, was wonderful, and worked on my shoulder; lats, delts and traps with vigor. She also was very kind in working on breaking up the scar tissue under my arm and under my breast. When I get a massage, I see colors as each muscle group is being worked. I try to associate the colors that come to mind with how I am feeling or what caused any tightness/tenderness in that subject area. Janel is aware of this, so is quite understanding and responsive when I suddenly blurt out a color or color scheme. When she got to the area around my breast and under my arm where feeling has not returned yet the colors muted and at one point went completely gray. It was interesting being massaged in an area and having no feeling, only pressure.

I had been able to wake early enough on Tuesday that I went to the gym and did a leg workout and tried a stationary recumbent bike, to see how my feet would react to bike riding. They did not like it at all. Seems right now all cardio will be swimming for the time being.

Tuesday night was Support Group and I went myself. Robert has been fighting some sort of viral infection as well, and was just not up to going to his support group. I headed to group and found we have a new girl. We all took turns introducing ourselves and our diagnosis, treatments and where we are right now. I confessed that I am struggling emotionally and physically with fatigue now. I turned in a request slip for one on one counseling. The Support Center offers up to 10 sessions free. Kelly, one of the women in my breast cancer group, who is also Triple Negative, told us about a beauty day she had. She said it was so much fun. She is also envious of my hair. She can hardly wait until hers is grown back in more. I asked her for the information on a beauty day. Maybe I need some of that kind of fun. Her cancer is not just triple negative. It is hormone receptor positive that mimics triple negative. Once she is done with her surgery, which is scheduled for the middle of next month, she will be put on hormone therapy. She is so excited about this, it gives her a sense of peace and hope that she is doing something to prevent the return of her cancer. I am so happy for her and so envious. Kelly is a wonderful woman and I love her laugh.

Today, as I noted earlier, I could not wake up when I wanted. I also awoke with a sinus headache. I have been battling a mild sinus infection for weeks and today it is all in the front of my forehead. I did not make it to the gym, but did make it to my physical therapy appointment on time. Yes, physical therapy started last week. We started with mild stretches to try to keep my shoulder limber as the tissue around my scars slowly contracts as it heals. And the recommended massage, completed yesterday. Today we added some mild strength training to the stretching with hints on how to keep the muscles that try to overcompensate out of the equation.

I stopped at Kaiser as they have a local farmers market on Wednesdays, but only found organic free-range eggs. I needed some herbs, cucumbers, and a few other things. I was not up to making yet another stop after that so just went home. The herbs and stuff would have to wait. I ate a bit, checked emails and worked on a how to document for my mom who wants to duplicate my temp tattoo process for her radiation treatments that start tomorrow. My friend Linda texted me while I was working and asked for a “huge” favor. She had attended Yom Kippur services in San Pedro and was not able to finish the afternoon services. She had car-pooled with a friend who was leading one of the afternoon sessions, so was not available to drive her back home. Even though I was tired, I readily volunteered to pick her up and driver her back home.

I used the second trip out of the house to make that stop at the grocery store to pick up the items I still needed from the grocery store. I did enjoy the drive with Linda in my convertible. I do love my car! I still have not made it to the dry cleaners though. Maybe tomorrow. I do have a lunch date with some friends I have not seen since last year at an APL Oldies gathering. (Company we all used to work for…)

I am still conflicted over how I feel every day, I am still worried about how I seem to be crying at the drop of a hat, but I know that this will get better. Eventually. This is making me cry because it is not better now, and I should be better now. I want it all to be better now. New mantra – Patience Grasshopper

Life is accepting each day as it is

Yes, it has been a week and a half since I have posted.  I find myself healing on the outside (the red is fading and my armpit no longer looks like dried out leather); but the fatigue is as bad as ever.  After I wrote my last post – done with all my treatments, I slept most of Thursday, except the part where I packed my bags as we were heading up to the San Francisco Bay Area for the Labor Day Weekend.  I had decided months ago my reward for finishing radiation was going to the Kings Mountain Art Festival, held in the redwoods in Woodside annually on the holiday weekend.

We were up early Friday morning to try and avoid most of the traffic and we made such great time that we headed over to HWY 101 from Interstate 5 at Hwy 46 and headed to Paso Robles.  We made such good time from there we decided to head over to HWY 1 from the Salinas area.  After some disputes over which way to go we finally made it to HWY 1 just north of Monterey and had a grand time driving up to Half Moon Bay.  We still arrived early afternoon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday we awaited the arrival of my nephew Patrick and his girlfriend Becca, and then headed to a deli to grab some lunch.  They were tired from getting up early and they still had a get together with their friends to go to that night so naps happened all around.  I very much am still the queen of 10 minutes naps!  I took a much longer nap Saturday though.  Right there on the sofa.  Dad & Mom #2 made a wonderful dinner for us with a pear salad with pears from their tree.

Sunday was the day to head to the Art Festival off HWY 35 – also known as Skyline.  It is a beautiful drive if you ever get the chance to take that drive I would suggest it.  Dad was able to secure a parking spot right next to the shuttle stop for the shuttle service to the art festival a few miles further down the road.  We did not have to wait too long for the shuttle and then spent about 3 hours wandering through the redwoods taking in all this wonderful art.  There were photographers, painters, lithographers, jewelers, bronze casters, wood workers and so much more.  In addition, the local elementary school had kids with wagons circulating through the whole event selling giant cookies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My brother Rob and nephew Kevin joined us for Sunday night dinner.  We surprised the parents with shirts to go with the grapevines they recently planted in their backyard.  We all had a great laugh over the laughing squirrel.  Dad and Mom #2 yet again stuffed us with wonderful food.  A Cioppino served with some pasta, cheesy garlic bread and tempura fried vegetables.  All was good, and the wine flowed.  Patrick had a request for dessert – Chocolate Soufflé with Grand Marnier Sauce.  I think I had to roll myself to bed.  We said our good-byes to Patrick and Becca that night as there was no way I would be up early enough in the morning to say farewells when they left for the day.  They had a wedding to attend and they were making a day of it.

 

 

 

 

Dad, Mom #2, Robert and I headed to the movies Monday afternoon for some Mission Impossible entertainment before we headed to dinner at one of their favorite restaurants in San Mateo.  Mom#2 heard about my dead sewing machine, and graciously offered up her old Singer to get me through until I could replace my now dead machine.  Tuesday Morning we were heading home.  I am very good at napping in the car, so I after that event filled four days; I was ready for a week of sleep.

Wednesday, September 5th (last week), I had a follow up with my Oncology Surgeon – Dr. Ali-Jones.  As always, we arrived early and I checked in.  They called us back and had me change into that paper half gown so Dr. Ali-Jones could check out the boob.  The terrible nastiness that had become my armpit was starting to fade, but the bottom of my breast was starting to look like the armpit just the week before.

Dr. Ali-Jones asked me what my plans were now that I was done.  Told her I had my follow up with Dr. Sikaria the first week of October and I was expecting I would be ready to receive my release back to work then and start back to work by the second week of October.  She then asked me how I was feeling now that I was done.  As I sat there on the exam table, with my feet dangling over the side as I faced this petite, soft spoken imp of a doctor that exudes an aura that fills you with peace, calm and hope; I told her I feel this great elation to be done; a huge relief to be cancer free and I am just ecstatically happy as I raised my arms up over my head.  Then I told her I feel just beat and slumped over, loudly exhaling, deflating my body, with my arms hanging limply to the floor.

She understood that, completely.  She told both of us that they have bombarded my body with a YEAR of treatment – taken my body to the edge and even during the breaks between treatments, that was not really a break; that was part of the treatment plan so they did not kill me.  She said it has been a long year of ravaging my body, throwing everything they could at it without actually killing me and it is going to take a long time for it to heal.  It is great that I have a goal to return to work next month, but not to be disappointed if I am just not ready yet.  As she said these words the tears started to fill my eyes, and then I just could not stop the hitching of my breath and the spilling of those tears.  I do not know why I was crying but I was.  And Dr. Ali-Jones was ready, like she knew I was going to cry before I even knew.  She had tissues and a hug ready as soon as I hit that moment of overload.  She motioned to Robert to stay where he was in the chair where he was sitting and held me while I tried to keep my snot off her white coat.

Once I had that little emotional overload under control, she said the external damage from the radiation would start to fade fast in the coming week.  Soon the demarcation line that marks the boundary of where the radiation targeted will fade.  She also noted that the skin on my right breast would always be a slightly darker pigment than the rest of me.  It will fade enough that most people will not be able to see the difference, but I will know the difference.  It will feel different after a while, firmer than my other breast and the tissue will feel different.  She said the internal damage would take much longer to heal than the skin.  She could not say when the aches, pains, zaps, zings, and sharp stabbing pains would end, if they would ever end.  I was prepared for this part since my cousin Deda had a breast reduction many years ago and she had told me she still occasionally experiences a zing or two.  She also admonished both of us to make sure I do not push myself too hard to fast.  Doing that will only exasperate my healing and make it take longer to get back to normal.  I am still healing not only from radiation, but the surgeries and the chemo as well.  I have to give it time to get back to normal.

She asked me about pulling/tugging sensation when I move my arm; yes, I do feel more pulling under my breast and also slightly in the armpit area now that I have completed radiation.  She asked me to move my arm around so she could see my range of motion and view my armpit while I moved my arm.  She said as my internal tissues heal this will only get worse, so she is going to send me to physical therapy to work with them for about 8 weeks.  I go back to her two more times before she releases me as being done.   She wants me back in December then again in March of next year.  She made a statement about hoping I will not be back again after that, then changed it to we will plan on you not having to come back again.  This is just another reminder of how serious this cancer is/was.

We came home from that appointment and I was just exhausted.  I managed to get by with just a few naps, but was ready for my bed by 8pm.

Thursday and Friday, Heather came over and we worked on making jewelry, and I received a wonderful bouquet of rainbow colored roses from cousin Mike and his wife Charlotte in celebration of being done!  By Saturday I could not move.  I stayed in my Pajamas all day and pretty much sat on the couch watching TV, knitting and sleeping.  Sunday I found it difficult to get moving, but finally managed to gather enough energy together to shower and dress to get in my grocery shopping.  Heather, Jose and Joseph were not coming over for dinner so we agreed to meet Jordon and Kelly in Cerritos for dinner, a mid-point between us since Jordon had been working all weekend.

Today Heather was over again, she has asked me to help make some costume pieces for Joseph so he has clothes that fit for Ren Faire this fall.  We had to clean out my shed to access the bins with cloth that she might be interested in using to make a shirt, vest and cloak for the little man.  We had had a new roof put on a few weeks back so the shed was a MESS.  Heather was a trooper helping me vacuum up all the debris, unpack my tent so I could get it aired out and repacked correctly, and repack bins so I could access them with ease in the future.  We picked out several pieces of fabric that I had, and figured out what we needed to complete the pieces and headed over to Joann’s for the things we needed.

I have started the process with the shirt/tunic first.  I will probably finish that tomorrow along with the vest.  The cloak will be last.  I may even try to get some new pieces put together for me, depending on time.  Heather got home and told Joseph about what I will be putting together for him and he said he wants trim on his cloak – green trim.  Heather said she would be back on Thursday to take me back to Joann’s to pick out green trim for his black cloak.

Wednesday is my first physical therapy session.  I can already tell tomorrow will be a very laid-back day for me.  I am fighting the exhaustion right now.  Maybe I will sleep in and read a bit before I tackle more sewing, and make my meals for the rest of the week, do a load of towels, take down my tent and repack it, put my jewelry making stuff away since I am now sewing, that long list of my to dos.  After I sleep in of course, because I am that tired.  Oh, also need to get three packages off in the mail and go to the bank, and oh yeah, pick up some Honey Crisp Apples, they were out when I did my shopping on Sunday.  The list just got that much longer.

 

Life is listening to my body