Monday, September 10 – So damn tired (still)

Yes, it has been a week and a half since I have posted.  I find myself healing on the outside (the red is fading and my armpit no longer looks like dried out leather); but the fatigue is as bad as ever.  After I wrote my last post – done with all my treatments, I slept most of Thursday, except the part where I packed my bags as we were heading up to the San Francisco Bay Area for the Labor Day Weekend.  I had decided months ago my reward for finishing radiation was going to the Kings Mountain Art Festival, held in the redwoods in Woodside annually on the holiday weekend.

We were up early Friday morning to try and avoid most of the traffic and we made such great time that we headed over to HWY 101 from Interstate 5 at Hwy 46 and headed to Paso Robles.  We made such good time from there we decided to head over to HWY 1 from the Salinas area.  After some disputes over which way to go we finally made it to HWY 1 just north of Monterey and had a grand time driving up to Half Moon Bay.  We still arrived early afternoon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday we awaited the arrival of my nephew Patrick and his girlfriend Becca, and then headed to a deli to grab some lunch.  They were tired from getting up early and they still had a get together with their friends to go to that night so naps happened all around.  I very much am still the queen of 10 minutes naps!  I took a much longer nap Saturday though.  Right there on the sofa.  Dad & Mom #2 made a wonderful dinner for us with a pear salad with pears from their tree.

Sunday was the day to head to the Art Festival off HWY 35 – also known as Skyline.  It is a beautiful drive if you ever get the chance to take that drive I would suggest it.  Dad was able to secure a parking spot right next to the shuttle stop for the shuttle service to the art festival a few miles further down the road.  We did not have to wait too long for the shuttle and then spent about 3 hours wandering through the redwoods taking in all this wonderful art.  There were photographers, painters, lithographers, jewelers, bronze casters, wood workers and so much more.  In addition, the local elementary school had kids with wagons circulating through the whole event selling giant cookies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My brother Rob and nephew Kevin joined us for Sunday night dinner.  We surprised the parents with shirts to go with the grapevines they recently planted in their backyard.  We all had a great laugh over the laughing squirrel.  Dad and Mom #2 yet again stuffed us with wonderful food.  A Cioppino served with some pasta, cheesy garlic bread and tempura fried vegetables.  All was good, and the wine flowed.  Patrick had a request for dessert – Chocolate Soufflé with Grand Marnier Sauce.  I think I had to roll myself to bed.  We said our good-byes to Patrick and Becca that night as there was no way I would be up early enough in the morning to say farewells when they left for the day.  They had a wedding to attend and they were making a day of it.

 

 

 

 

Dad, Mom #2, Robert and I headed to the movies Monday afternoon for some Mission Impossible entertainment before we headed to dinner at one of their favorite restaurants in San Mateo.  Mom#2 heard about my dead sewing machine, and graciously offered up her old Singer to get me through until I could replace my now dead machine.  Tuesday Morning we were heading home.  I am very good at napping in the car, so I after that event filled four days; I was ready for a week of sleep.

Wednesday, September 5th (last week), I had a follow up with my Oncology Surgeon – Dr. Ali-Jones.  As always, we arrived early and I checked in.  They called us back and had me change into that paper half gown so Dr. Ali-Jones could check out the boob.  The terrible nastiness that had become my armpit was starting to fade, but the bottom of my breast was starting to look like the armpit just the week before.

Dr. Ali-Jones asked me what my plans were now that I was done.  Told her I had my follow up with Dr. Sikaria the first week of October and I was expecting I would be ready to receive my release back to work then and start back to work by the second week of October.  She then asked me how I was feeling now that I was done.  As I sat there on the exam table, with my feet dangling over the side as I faced this petite, soft spoken imp of a doctor that exudes an aura that fills you with peace, calm and hope; I told her I feel this great elation to be done; a huge relief to be cancer free and I am just ecstatically happy as I raised my arms up over my head.  Then I told her I feel just beat and slumped over, loudly exhaling, deflating my body, with my arms hanging limply to the floor.

She understood that, completely.  She told both of us that they have bombarded my body with a YEAR of treatment – taken my body to the edge and even during the breaks between treatments, that was not really a break; that was part of the treatment plan so they did not kill me.  She said it has been a long year of ravaging my body, throwing everything they could at it without actually killing me and it is going to take a long time for it to heal.  It is great that I have a goal to return to work next month, but not to be disappointed if I am just not ready yet.  As she said these words the tears started to fill my eyes, and then I just could not stop the hitching of my breath and the spilling of those tears.  I do not know why I was crying but I was.  And Dr. Ali-Jones was ready, like she knew I was going to cry before I even knew.  She had tissues and a hug ready as soon as I hit that moment of overload.  She motioned to Robert to stay where he was in the chair where he was sitting and held me while I tried to keep my snot off her white coat.

Once I had that little emotional overload under control, she said the external damage from the radiation would start to fade fast in the coming week.  Soon the demarcation line that marks the boundary of where the radiation targeted will fade.  She also noted that the skin on my right breast would always be a slightly darker pigment than the rest of me.  It will fade enough that most people will not be able to see the difference, but I will know the difference.  It will feel different after a while, firmer than my other breast and the tissue will feel different.  She said the internal damage would take much longer to heal than the skin.  She could not say when the aches, pains, zaps, zings, and sharp stabbing pains would end, if they would ever end.  I was prepared for this part since my cousin Deda had a breast reduction many years ago and she had told me she still occasionally experiences a zing or two.  She also admonished both of us to make sure I do not push myself too hard to fast.  Doing that will only exasperate my healing and make it take longer to get back to normal.  I am still healing not only from radiation, but the surgeries and the chemo as well.  I have to give it time to get back to normal.

She asked me about pulling/tugging sensation when I move my arm; yes, I do feel more pulling under my breast and also slightly in the armpit area now that I have completed radiation.  She asked me to move my arm around so she could see my range of motion and view my armpit while I moved my arm.  She said as my internal tissues heal this will only get worse, so she is going to send me to physical therapy to work with them for about 8 weeks.  I go back to her two more times before she releases me as being done.   She wants me back in December then again in March of next year.  She made a statement about hoping I will not be back again after that, then changed it to we will plan on you not having to come back again.  This is just another reminder of how serious this cancer is/was.

We came home from that appointment and I was just exhausted.  I managed to get by with just a few naps, but was ready for my bed by 8pm.

Thursday and Friday, Heather came over and we worked on making jewelry, and I received a wonderful bouquet of rainbow colored roses from cousin Mike and his wife Charlotte in celebration of being done!  By Saturday I could not move.  I stayed in my Pajamas all day and pretty much sat on the couch watching TV, knitting and sleeping.  Sunday I found it difficult to get moving, but finally managed to gather enough energy together to shower and dress to get in my grocery shopping.  Heather, Jose and Joseph were not coming over for dinner so we agreed to meet Jordon and Kelly in Cerritos for dinner, a mid-point between us since Jordon had been working all weekend.

Today Heather was over again, she has asked me to help make some costume pieces for Joseph so he has clothes that fit for Ren Faire this fall.  We had to clean out my shed to access the bins with cloth that she might be interested in using to make a shirt, vest and cloak for the little man.  We had had a new roof put on a few weeks back so the shed was a MESS.  Heather was a trooper helping me vacuum up all the debris, unpack my tent so I could get it aired out and repacked correctly, and repack bins so I could access them with ease in the future.  We picked out several pieces of fabric that I had, and figured out what we needed to complete the pieces and headed over to Joann’s for the things we needed.

I have started the process with the shirt/tunic first.  I will probably finish that tomorrow along with the vest.  The cloak will be last.  I may even try to get some new pieces put together for me, depending on time.  Heather got home and told Joseph about what I will be putting together for him and he said he wants trim on his cloak – green trim.  Heather said she would be back on Thursday to take me back to Joann’s to pick out green trim for his black cloak.

Wednesday is my first physical therapy session.  I can already tell tomorrow will be a very laid-back day for me.  I am fighting the exhaustion right now.  Maybe I will sleep in and read a bit before I tackle more sewing, and make my meals for the rest of the week, do a load of towels, take down my tent and repack it, put my jewelry making stuff away since I am now sewing, that long list of my to dos.  After I sleep in of course, because I am that tired.  Oh, also need to get three packages off in the mail and go to the bank, and oh yeah, pick up some Honey Crisp Apples, they were out when I did my shopping on Sunday.  The list just got that much longer.

 

Life is listening to my body