June 2019 – Boob Gone Rogue

Sunday, June 23 – Evidently I Paddle Board now…

My first week at work was wonderful. I love my new job, and the people I now work with. There is so much that needs to fine tuning, and everyone wants to talk to me; get my take on things, and then they tell me how wonderful I am. My ego is going on a total trip. I am trying to keep it in check. Joking aside, I am humbled at how much they appreciate me. In addition, they are dog friendly offices. Every day in this past week there has been a dog in the office. Friday was the best, three “puppies” in the office, all adorable and all played together at one point or another. I keep reminding myself that I am the “boss” so I need to remember to delegate.

Most of my week was meetings, with ops groups, sales, HR, my boss as well as IT to review current system improvements and review my wants and needs for process improvement and implementation. Meetings start at the assigned time and finish at the advertised time. I love this new job. Did I mention the puppies! Nothing like puppies to help you through the day.

Two weeks I found out that the Swedish cover band of ABBA is coming back to the Hollywood Bowl. I was just about ready to buy tickets without anyone to go with me, but decided to make a post in Facebook about the concert and to see if anyone wanted to go. Our neighbor asked me if I got tickets yet, and I told him no. Later that day, after I was home from work, he and his husband came over. I thought they were going to talk to us about the toothless wonder cat we share, but no. Moses bought two tickets to the concert and gave them to his husband Bob and me for Bob’s birthday. Turns out Bob also loves ABBA, and now we get to go together as part of Bob’s birthday present. I get to be Bob’s flamboyant date!

Today was the June Fundraiser event for the Cancer Support Community. We went to this last year too, and had won a few items from silent auction, mostly due to Robert taking care of bidding on items and following up on the bids making sure he was the successful bidder on the items he really wanted. This year it was I doing the bidding. We discovered that drinking wine and silent auction do not go well together…. I forgot I bid on a paddle-boarding rental for four. Seems I was the successful bidder on that as well as several items that surprised Robert. We had a good laugh over all the things I bid on and won.

Now I get to learn how to paddle board. As well as take three others with me. Jordon, Kelly and Heather have already volunteered to go with me since Robert will not. He says there are sharks out there waiting to eat him. Now we just need to find a date when we can all go.

Robert and I both ran into people we were hoping to see, and we enjoyed catching up with all of them. Cancer Support Community is really that, a community where you are able to connect with others who are experiencing and understand the same things we are going through. When I finished cancer treatment and went through my depression, not only did I have my support group there to help me, but I also had the resource of counseling. I heard a TED Radio Hour podcast that touched on moving forward. There is no moving on; you do not leave behind your grief, your fear, your inner aches and anxiety. You learn how to move forward and keep moving forward. You can find the podcast here if you want to hear it. I found it made me remember how lost and adrift I felt, and how I am centered once again; but I still live with everything that plagued me before. I did not find a “new normal”, or start living my life again; start over or move on; I just started taking steps to move forward. Big difference. However, I still cling to my support group like a security blanket. They remind me how far I have come, and support me in my journey forward. I hope I am able to provide them with the same sense of belonging, understanding and love they provide me.

I am sure they will all laugh with me when I tell them about paddle boarding!

Life is moving forward

Friday, June 14 – Bittersweet and laughter

Today was a bittersweet day for me. Last day with my current employer before my leap into the great unknown with the new company. As always with anytime I am feeling any kind of stress or anxiety, I was awake early. I did catnap between 5:30 am and 7:30 am while I waited for Robert to get done in the bathroom, read and played my puzzle games to improve my brain. I must say I will miss my leisurely mornings, taking my time to get up, get ready to face the day, make my Latte, and watch my shows while I eat my breakfast and drink said latte.

I took in gifts for my bosses in thanks for all they have done for me. I worked on the last of the process documentation I could think of to help them take over things I had previously managed, and spent my day trying not to let my mind overthink my decision. I loved my job, I love my bosses, I love the people I work with, this was a very difficult decision to make.

When I first came to work for GFS I had a plan that this would be my last job before I decided it was time for me to retire. If I learned anything over the past year and a half or so is that I am not ready to retire!

That said, when I came back from my medical leave I was so grateful that GFS kept a place for me, to return to work at a pace I could handle and work myself back to what I determined was my best again. I am so grateful for the time and space they provided for me to gently move into living life, as I wanted rather than how my body dictated. I was ready to keep working that plan I had made when GFS and I came to an agreement those years ago.

Funny, when you make plans, God laughs and says “Oh yeah, while try this out!”

As you all know (or may not know); for months I was pursued by another trucking company, through LinkedIn, and I ignored them. I had my plan, I loved my plan. I loved working where I worked and thoroughly enjoyed working with all the people at GFS. Why would I leave? I finally answered that continues “knocking” on my door, and was made an offer I just could not refuse. This decision was not easy for me to make. Like I said, I have loved working at GFS, and loved what I was doing. All of the people there have provided me with a chance to learn more, stretch my wings further and shared with me pieces of themselves that I will always treasure. They all helped me face one of the hardest things I have ever done – beat F’ing Cancer! I beat a cancer that the odds were against me from the very get go. Without their kind words, support and prayers I know that my outcome could have been much different. For this, there are no words that can express my gratitude.

I feel blessed to have worked with all of them. My parting wish to them was GFS will continue to grow and prosper.

They threw me a small luncheon going away party, that included a wonderful card and some gifts. I feel so blessed to have worked with this wonderful group of people.

While I was helping one of the girls make her way through a report I used to run that she would now be responsible for, one of my friends who makes me laugh, texted me a picture of a flyer for a workshop being held in August about PTSD and Cancer. As is normal for us, the picture was accompanied with text, which we are both very good at miss-typing, leading to some hysterical conversations. Today was no exception. With the picture the text really didn’t make sense so when I received the second text, I started giggling and responded, with my giggles erupting into full blown laughter.

The text was: “I bed this! Wanna go? R is leaving from KAX at 9am in Sunday” followed by “Lax”, and then “Omg” with the laughing faces. Me being me, responded with “I’m still stuck on bed???”

She responded with “I need this. And new typing fingers apparently. Lol. NEED. no bed” I of course had to push this to “You need your bed?!?!?!” Her response was “Ha! Maybe my subconscious wants someone in it? Lol…” I of course used my gutter brain and responded with “We could get you an electronic boyfriend” followed with three eggplant emojis. My friend said she would take one.

We quickly ended out text conversation, with laughter and went on with our days. I finished mine with GFS, bidding my final farewells and holding back my tears for a plan ended, and holding my breath for my new adventure to come.

Several hours later, as I awaited the news of one of our girls going through surgery today, my friend called me back. (I am not mentioning names to protect the guilty!) She had sent me yet another picture that had me laughing, this one of a candy bar called Flirty.

She called me back to explain the Flirty candy bar. Seems while she was waiting at the hospital for news of our gal in outpatient surgery, and when she would be released to come home, a nice gentleman was chatting her up. Granted he was at least a decade and a half older than her (and we’re no spring chickens here), and despite her best efforts to be rude to him and continue working on her laptop while she waited, he continued to “flirt” with her. He hangs out in the hospital lobby as he enjoys the cafeteria coffee and the live piano music provided to ease those who are visiting the hospital for less than happy reasons. We joked that this was the new pick up place for those in assisted living homes, instead of the hallway pill exchange (that is a story for another day)!

He offered to get her a coffee as well, to which she declined, but he brought her the Flirty chocolate bar instead. I laughingly told her “see, you get a real boyfriend instead of an electronic one, as well as a Sugar Daddy!” We continued to throw one liners at each other as we laughed harder and harder. I love her so much for always making me laugh until I could pee my pants!

Our gal came through her surgery just fine and will be released tonight to go home. Our girl Kelly is home from the hospital, finally. We will need to plan a visit to her to bring her some laughter and female companionship. Plus, we miss her.

Life is taking leaps of faith and laughter, always laughter

Friday, June 7 – Mindfulness continues

I know I must have talked about mindfulness when I was going through the Artist’s Way class last summer, or even on some of my walks I took before I realized that my neuropathy was just too painful to keep up my walks before I had some sort of medication to control my symptoms.

I still practice Mindfulness. I enjoy it so much, that unless it is pouring rain, my “Transformer Car” – Beta has her top down, no matter the temperature. I can hear what is going on around me while I drive. I do have my radio on, usually with the sound down low so it acts as a nice background music to my observations.

I love hearing birds calling, twittering, chirping and tweeting. I hear hawks calling to their mates, mockingbirds that imitate so many different sounds, song birds, crows and seagulls on my drive to and from work. I get to see birds flying, butterflies flitter by, hear someone’s conversation on their vehicles Bluetooth.

There is a pre-school on my drive to work, and the kids have outside playtime about the time I pass daily. I can hear the energetic squeals of delight as they play on the slides and swings, I hear their high-pitched voices calling to each other to come play or try something new. Their laughter echoes through the intersection so joyously that I cannot help but smile at the unrestrained glee happening in that play yard.

There are Jacaranda trees in bloom throughout my whole drive right now. I love seeing the clouds of purple blooms that make up the fullness of the foliage on their branches, and they leave a shadow of purple that fills the area under the tree, creating an outline of the fullest part of each tree.

As I pass over the Los Angeles River heading to work in Signal Hill, off to my right I can see an area of marsh and a small pond in the flood control where ducks, seagulls, white pelicans and other water fowl congregate to eat, rest, nest, whatever, before the river continues on to the harbor in Long Beach. It is a little oasis amongst the cemented walls of the flood control. A little oasis located in the middle of a city, next to a major freeway. This freeway connects the Ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach to major rail hubs and access to other freeways that lead to industrialized areas in the Los Angeles Basin and the Inland Empire.

As I enter Long Beach city limits, the center median planted with those Jacaranda trees, and as the traffic moves beneath their spreading branches it creates a disturbance in the air, causing some of those little purple blooms to swirl in the air currents, fall off their anchor to a branch and fall to the ground. On occasion, I have had a bloom or two float into Beta or even on me as I drive by. I can smell the sweetness of those blooms as I pass, and will miss them when the bloom is complete.

There are other smells that catch my attention; the sickly sweet smell of decay as a trash truck rumbles by. The pungent odor of a skunk that has either been recently roused from its daytime sleeping hole, or hit during the night and lying dead somewhere, sometime seen and others hidden in the brush or debris on the side of the road. The sharp chemical dark smell of warm tar as a street repair is conducted. The nauseating smell of a diesel engine as a truck thunders by. The super sweet smell of the star jasmine in bloom. Or the mouth watering aroma of the exhaust from a restaurant.

Even as I pass through the most industrialized areas, I can still hear birds calling, their voices pitched so their calls are heard over the rush of cars and the heavy roaring of trucks. Vehicles moving over the roads to their various destinations, home, work, a store, a rail hub, a warehouse, a container yard, or to the port. Everyone with a destination they are determined to arrive as quickly as possible, most of them oblivious to the natural world around them.

This is my mindful driving, that I practice every day. Even if it rains, and Beta has her top up, I listen to the sounds of the rain drops as they hit the windshield. I hear the sound of tires swishing through the wet streets. I also hear the sound of the windshield wipers as they swing across the glass wiping the water to the sides. I feel the warm air blowing from the vents heating the air within my cocoon inside Beta. I feel the pressure of my seatbelt across my lap and chest, holding me safe in my seat.

I feel the slight slip of my front tires as they slide on the wet paint when I start moving from a stop at an intersection. When I get in or out of my car, I smell the rain moistened air. It smells clean and fresh. If the weather front is exceptionally cold, it smells brisk.

I look forward to the slow warming that will come with summer. What I see, smell and hear on my drives will change with the seasons. I relish every little moment of mindfulness during my drives. It reminds me there is more to life than destinations and I am ever so grateful that I have yet another day to cherish my world and those who share it with me.

Life is all about the Journey

Thursday, June 6 – This is dedicated to the ones I love

I was going to make a post about how I am still practicing Mindfulness – being in the moment. Alternatively, how I accepted a diet challenge through a fitness program to try something new. Instead, I feel the need to dedicate my post today to Kelly. Not my soon to be daughter-in-law Kelly, but Kelly from my Breast Cancer Support Group.

Kelly came to our group already undergoing treatment for her Triple Negative Breast Cancer through her primary medical provider. She was terrified like the rest of us, dealing with our own monsters that cancer brings with it. I was introduced to a book that claims cancer is a punk. The author Brianne Joseph says a punk is someone who sneaks up on you and attacks you when you least expect it. I am also of the thought that punks always bring friends to back them up. These are the monsters and demons we face, while that damn punk tries to kill us. In our support group, we face our demons and monsters together, uplifting each other, providing a shoulder, a hug, a hand or words as needed, to each other to get through our nightmares come to life.

Kelly shared with us her fighter, her belief that she is stronger than this “punk azz” cancer. Through all she has faced in her battle to date, she has continued to turn to her inner prize fighter, to consistently believe she will be victorious, even when she succumbs to that doubt monster that plagues all of us. She continues to end with the positive after pouring out all the doubts, fears and negatives that are a constant ticker tape feed in the back of all our thoughts.

Kelly has an effervescent spirit; she brings light to a room and spreads joy and warmth to all of us. She is funny, with a quick wit and is willing to be the first one to laugh at herself. My favorite kind of person.

Kelly has had a much more difficult road to travel with her triple negative breast cancer than I traveled. Watching her face setback after setback and still look towards a perfect light at the end of a tunnel inspires me and makes me admire her even more. At one point she was even comforting me saying her story is not my story and that I need not worry that any of her setbacks would ever happen to me.

Kelly has had yet more setbacks and has been hospitalized for weeks. She is so independent that she has refused help or visits from any of us. We are terrified for her. We know that there will be those that lose their battle with cancer, but we are not ready to go there with her yet. She is still fighting and we want to be at her side fighting with her. We want to hold her hand and transfer our love and strength to her. She told us that she did not want us to deal with freeways, traffic and parking. Please, my bright and loving friend, these are the least of our worries here. We could care less about the slight inconvenience we might face in order to be by your side.

Kelly continues to look at the positives, like how her nurses are treating her like a queen. They provided her a “spa day”, a foot massage, hair wash, soothing sound machine, and even a champagne flute to sip her “green drink”.

In the meantime, we sit in our own little worlds trying hard to hold onto her indefatigable spirit and feeling helpless. We have all shed our tears of fear for our dear friend. We are together, in this space and time, for a reason, and feeling left out is hard for all of us.

Therefore, I am pouring out my heart here, my love of this woman, all of her. The fears, the anger, the strength, the wit, and her joys. She has shown me how to move forward when those damn monsters feel like they are winning. She has shown me how deep love can go. She has shown me that sharing our fears with each other makes us stronger. She has shown me the pure face of joy. She has shown me righteous anger, and to funnel that anger into action. She has shown me that we do not have to be perfect. She has shown me how our ties bind one another and how important those ties we have are to our whole.

Kelly is part of whole, and we feel the loss without her amongst us physically. We feel helpless and afraid because her strength in doing “this” on her own keeps us away from her. Our hearts break that she is facing this without us by her side. We need to be with her, to just hold her hand, or sit with her in silence, breathing the same air, or just talking nonsense. We just need to be there.

Kelly, my beautiful, strong, vibrant, joyous friend, know that we would climb mountains, slay dragons, swim oceans, and cross deserts for you. Our hearts, thoughts and prayers are with you always.

I thank Deda for allowing me to cry while I poured out my hurt, hopes and fears while she hiked a hill in Portland, OR to see the beautiful rose garden at the top. As we both cried, as we have been through this before with her dad and my stepfather who both succumbed to their battles with cancer, she looked around at all those beautiful roses blooming in every color you could think of and all she could see was each flower representing a woman who lost her battle. Even though she was not with me physically, my Deda is always there for me holding me in spirit when she cannot be there in person.

I thank Linda who agreed to meet me at Madrona Marsh so we could take in some of the beauty of nature to remind us that life is full, even when we feel we drained.

I thank my support group for knowing how we all feel, even if all our roads are different. You provide me space to celebrate the good, to face my fears with no judgement, and to give of myself to others.

Life is accepting what is and what will be

Sunday, June 2 – A little catch up

A few months ago I happened to read a published text thread about a person who’s father had died when they were 18, and mom had scattered some of dad’s cremains here and there and was holding on to the rest until this person had picked out a nice holder for their portion of dad’s ashes. When this person finally found the perfect container and went to mom for a small portion of the cremains, Dad’s ashes had solidified. Long story short, there is this hilariously long text thread about Dad’s solidified cremains. (linked to the published text thread)

That lead to us discussing my father in laws cremains that my husband had scattered some over the VA Cemetery per Dad’s wishes and we’ve been holding on to the rest to scatter where he asked in his will. Life has happened so Dad’s cremains have been stored in a box in our bonus room for a while now. Recently Robert checked Dad’s cremains only find that yes, they had solidified. Makes me want to find the original publisher of that text thread and ask them what actually worked!

The reason Robert had checked on Dad’s cremains was we needed to clean up the bonus room so that Heather, Jose and Joseph could move into that room temporarily after they bought a house in Bakersfield and needed to wait to complete their move until Joseph was out of school.

We enjoyed all the time we were able to spend with the Grandson, the Grand Kitty, and our kids, even though they spent most weekends preparing their new house for when they would get to move in permanently. One weekend it was just Jose up at the new house, and the neighbors came out and asked him if he was the paint guy. We had a good laugh over that one and have now nicknamed him “Jose – The Paint Guy”.

Winky made herself quite at home in the time they spent at our house….

We took a trip up north to re-start our annual trips to our favorite winery with my dad and mom#2. This year the spring members’ event at Schramsberg was supposed to be in The Grove, which is one of our favorite spots, but Mother Nature had other plans. It rained that day so we celebrated in the caves instead. We enjoyed the time in the caves tasting the new releases and food, and of course wine purchased.

Also in the past month Kelly, our soon to be DIL, passed her state licensing exam and is now a fully licensed Doctor of Psychology in the state of California. We’re so proud for her and this great accomplishment. Jordon and Kelly can now concentrate on planning their wedding for later this year.

The weekend before the kids last week in our house, Joseph was going to spend Sunday with Grandpa, while Heather and I joined the rest of the bridal party to go bridesmaid dress shopping with Kelly and her mother. Joseph decided that spending the day with Grandpa included him helping Grandpa with the chore of washing our bed sheets. Because I dye my hair purple, and purple dye is not permanent, it rubs off on my pillow case. As Robert was pre-treating my pillow case with stain remover, Joseph asked him what the purplish pink stains on the pillow case were. Robert being the quick witted joker he is, told Joseph that sometimes at night Nane’s brains leak out her ears and stain the pillow case. With a horrified look on his face, Joseph them asked Grandpa if it hurt when my brains leaked out my ears. Grandpa told Joseph he should ask Nane about that.

Heather and I were in their room when he came in and asked me if he could ask me a question. He whispered the question at Heather and I were in their room when he came in and asked me if he could ask me a question. He whispered the question at first and I could not hear him, but I could see Robert hiding in the kitchen doorway with his shoulder that was visible shaking from him stifling his laughter. My first thought was “Oh lord, what has he said now?” I asked Joseph to speak up a little more so I could hear his question, and he repeated his question “Nane, does it hurt when your brains leak out your ears at night?” Heather was the first to react to the question, asking Joseph why he would think that. Robert could not hold back his laughter anymore and between the three of them, Heather trying to act indignant, Joseph confused and Robert laughing, I started laughing too. Between Robert and Joseph we got the story behind the question and I looked at Joseph with a smile on my face and asked him “What color is Nane’s hair?” He looked at my head and as he was saying purple, you could see the light dawning on his face that he had been had by Grandpa. I confirmed that yes; the color on the pillowcase is from the dye in my hair rubbing off during the night. Joseph did laugh then. Later in the day after Grandpa had continued to joke with Joseph about my brains leaking out, Joseph finally said to Grandpa that it was not funny anymore.

My foot is healing up well from my wart removal surgery, and the current dosing of Klonopin is working well in controlling the worst of the side effects of my neuropathy. I changed it up a bit, two days full dose, 1 day 1/2 dose, 1 day full dose, 1 day half dose and start over.

I also agreed to talk with a new trucking company that had been reaching out to me for a few months through LinkedIn about a employment opportunity. I ignored the first messages from the company and several head hunters trying to entice me with vague job descriptions and promises of great benefits. After a third direct attempt from this company with more information of what they were looking for and what they are doing currently, I figured the universe was trying to tell me something. I responded to the LinkedIn message.

This lead to a phone interview, which led to another, and then a in person meeting. I can’t really say the first in person meetings were an interview per se, more of an exchanging of ideas and what they want and what I want back and forth. This lead to other in person meetings and them practically throwing me a package that listed their medical, dental and vision plans along with a cost sheet before I made a decision to commit to them. After thinking about it I agreed to let them make a formal offer, which turned out to be an offer I just could not refuse.

This was not an easy decision for me to make, as my current employer had been so good to us, to me. When I went to work for them in 2011, I really did think this would be my last job before I retired. But again, the Work Gods had something else in store for me. I am excited to be starting this new adventure, and a little scared at the same time. But if it doesn’t scare you a little, it’s probably not worth doing.

Last Friday was the last day the kids were here. Heather’s last day of work at the pet hospital was last Thursday. Friday May 31 was Joseph’s last day of school. Grandpa was up and cranked Alice Coopers Schools Out for Summer while Joseph was getting ready. It only took him a few minutes of listening to the song before he was singing the lyrics while brushing his teeth.

Heather packed up the last of their belongings, except for their bed, and headed to Bakersfield with Winky (grand kitty) about the same time I headed into work. Jose picked Joseph up from school and they went to enjoy the carnival that was taking place at his school Friday afternoon. They headed to our place about 8pm and picked up the mattress and then they were gone too. We’re empty nesters once again.

Saturday found me heading into Long Beach to catch up with old co-workers from APL. We try to have an APL Oldies reunion at least once a year. It was good to see some of the people I miss dearly, and catch up with them once again. The last time we went I had no hair. Everyone loved my new purple hair.

Life is trying new adventures