I know it has been a while, and so much has happened. Jordon and Kelly got married at the end of September; we attended a large family reunion from my mother’s side of the family. I was let go from the job I thought I loved so much this past November. We decided despite the lack of income from either of us, our Disneyland passes would be renewed. We celebrated Thanksgiving at our house with my parents, my brother and my nephew; we went to Disneyland the next day.
My birthday was mostly spent at Disneyland. We managed to secure lunch reservations at Carthay Circle in Cal Adventure. The weather forecast remained cloudy and chilly, as we made our way to the park and most of the way through our lunch. Then it started raining, then it poured. Because the weather app kept saying no rain I didn’t bring with us the rain slickers we had purchased the week before. By the time we finished lunch and made a circuit around Cal Adventure, everyone was trying to find shelter wherever they could. I purchased two new rain ponchos and away we went to check out Disneyland. Everyone there was also looking for respite from the rain, and there we were, me driving through every puddle we could find in my ECV and Robert behind me jumping in the same puddles. Turning fifty-five was fun, but eventually I got cold and we went home.
Hanukkah was celebrated and our gift exchange theme this past December was “Batteries Included”. We had quite a bit of stealing of gifts happening this celebration, and I have to say I made out pretty good this year, light saber with sounds stolen from the first person who stole it. Then it was locked with me. 😀 We re-gifted it to Joseph for Christmas, made it even better.
We raced back from Hanukkah to celebrate Christmas Eve with Robert’s family and BBQ from Naples Ribs. Our tradition now that we host Christmas Eve. We had a wonderful time with Robert’s family and made a date to have Super Bowl together and then “Christmas in July”. Looks like we will be seeing each other more than once this year.
New Years found us up at my parents house. Dad and Mom #2 had food poisoning the day we arrived. Then Robert ended up with a 24 hour flu bug on New Years Day. Fever, body aches, everything. We ended up staying another day. We drove back home the Friday after New Years and Robert felt pain in his bottom. By the time we were home he realized he was experiencing another peri-anal abscess. We took him to urgent care Saturday morning, hoping we could hold off the worst of the abscess until Monday, and start the request for referral to the colo-rectal surgeon Urgent Care doctor was all too happy to provide both and we went home with antibiotics. By that night he was in so much pain I decided we were going to the ER in the morning.
We headed to the ER bright and early Sunday and despite not many people being there, they took their time getting a CT Scan done to send to the on call surgeon for evaluation. By that time Robert was saying his pain level was beyond 10. Football had started by the time the ER doctor consulted with the on-call surgeon. The surgeon decided that since the abscess was only a little over a centimeter he could tough it out until Monday or Tuesday when the referral is approved and he could be scheduled into the office.
We were both incredulous that this was happening. Damn surgeon didn’t want to stop watching football. Robert was now just bed ridden and he was starting to have problems with defecation and urination because of the pain. Monday the referral came through and the surgeons office could see him late Tuesday afternoon. We hobbled him into the surgeons office and the surgeon took one look at him and told him he had to go back to the ER. This could not be taken care of in the office as the first surgeon had determined. He would call the ER as well as the surgeon on duty to advise them Robert was coming over and would need to be admitted for surgery.
We headed back to the ER, now I was livid. They quickly got Robert back into a bed in the ER, even though the ER was beyond full. They did another CT scan and within three hours had him up in a room. Of course it was in the middle tower the longest walk for me no matter which entrance I went through. They added him to the surgical board to be squeezed in as soon as possible and he was told no food or drink after midnight. My dear friend Linda brought him a burger and fries from Five Guys so he could finally eat something. Once he was fed I went home to get myself something more to eat and to feed the cat. I was back at the hospital bright and early the next morning only to find they still had not scheduled a time for his surgery to relieve the abscess. Close to noon, his nurse told me they finally had a time scheduled – 8pm that night. He was napping, so this was not going to go over well when he woke up. His abscess had grown from a little over 1 cm to over 6 cm.
Surgery was able to be bumped up a little earlier, so he was in surgery by 6:30 that night. Surgeon told me all went well and he should be feeling better soon. Now that he had a second abscess in the same spot she was warning us this could become a common recurrence and there is not much they can do about it.
It took almost three weeks but he was doing much better and able to sit normally again.
Back to the wedding; we were all so happy to celebrate last year. The rehearsal was the Thursday before the wedding, which also happened to be the same day as my six month imaging. This imaging was an MRI. My new Oncologist is more strict on the follow up than my last oncologist, which leaves me with a more secure feeling that we will catch any recurrence early, or at least earlier. I went to the imaging on my own. This is my one year check up since the end of active treatment. Two years since diagnosis. It will all be good, no worries! And the wedding is in two days. It’s all happiness. Get this imaging done and move on with life.
As we’re headed to the wedding site for our rehearsal time, Heather, Jose, Joseph, Robert and I all in Jose’s work truck, my phone rings. It’s the main number from Torrance Memorial Hospital. Also where the breast diagnostic center is located, where I had completed my MRI earlier that morning. The MRI detected changes in my left breast. They are scheduling me to come in for ultra-sound on Monday. The cab of the truck gets very quiet as I schedule this appointment for the follow-up ultrasound. Heather reaches back to hold my hand from the front seat. Robert looks at me across Joseph who is seated between us in the back bench seat. My dragon roars, NO NO NO, it’s not time yet! We are prepared, me and my dragon, for three years, five years, maybe as many as ten, but we are not prepared for 2 years.
My dragon screams within me, raging, crying, ranting, no, no, no, not now, not at this happy time, not as Jordon and Kelly are getting married, going on their honeymoon. Not when we have a giant family reunion from my mothers side of the family in two weeks up in the bay area. I calm my dragon, it’s nothing. It will all be fine, it is too early for this, we both know. My dragon reluctantly curls back into it’s ball, but is very unsettled in her corner of my gut. I tell her we’re not going to think about this until Monday. We’re going to celebrate the union of our son to the beautiful Kelly who we adore and welcome into our family.
We all agree nothing will be said, but my dragon still tumbles and flutters away, not willing to settle completely. I am determined to enjoy this weekend. Nothing is said at rehearsal, nor as we head to the rehearsal dinner. I am able to settle my dragon and enjoy the rehearsal dinner with the bridal party and both families.
Friday we checked into the hotel in Huntington Beach close to the wedding venue after meeting up with Deda, her family, and my brother and nephew at Disneyland for a few hours. After a relaxing night in we woke up early to prepare for the wedding. We had to be at the venue by 1:30pm. I booked a makeup artist to come and do my face and hair, and had a wonderful time being made up for the wedding. The artist was a darling woman that I thoroughly enjoyed working with, and chatting about her life as well as mine.
When it came time to get dressed, I had a good laugh over the stick on bra I had purchased to wear under the backless gown I had found that was just lovely as a Mother of the Groom dress. I could not get the cups to evenly stick to my boobs, and pulling it off… OMG, my poor right breast definitely did not like that. So after several attempts of errors and laughter, I decided it was not worth it and went without a bra. Robert and I were both ready and scheduled an Uber to take us to the venue. As we waited for the Uber to show it started to sprinkle. We both knew Kelly would be totally upset by rain on her outdoor wedding day, despite that rain means good luck. It sprinkled the whole 5 minute ride to the venue and then the sun came out.
We checked in with everyone, the bridal party in one room and the groomsmen in another. Grandpa helped Joseph get dressed in his tux, while I ran as a go between for Kelly and Jordon. Kelly had passed her state boards and Jordon had a congratulations card for her on this accomplishment. But it was their wedding day, and Kelly was stressing out. As all good brides manage to do on this special occasion. Kelly and Jordon had decided their gifts to each other would be letters on how they feel about one another. Kelly had me deliver her letter, and I came back with a congratulations card. I went back to check on where Jordon was with his letter. He had it all typed out, but wanted to write it out for her. Jordon being Jordon, of course was very behind in this matter. With many distractions coming his way as the photographer tried to keep him on schedule with the list of photographs that were supposed to happen prior to the ceremony.
I noticed he kept losing his place on his laptop and would have to go back to re-read where he was to continue. I stepped in and told him I would dictate and he would write. It still took time with some mishaps and laughter, but he finally completed his tome (at least 7 pages of handwritten text), sealed it up with a card and I was able to deliver his letter to Kelly. Their picture schedule was behind, so some pictures would have to happen after the ceremony. The wedding planner was wonderful at helping Kelly destress and kept the parties on schedule and got us all ready for the ceremony.
The ceremony was beautiful and no one was the wiser when the bride and groom disappeared for a while to take those pictures that were missed prior to the ceremony. It was a wonderful party, and Robert’s speech turned out perfect, despite the fact that he miss-spoke Kelly’s name at the beginning, with much laughter and tears. He shook so much my sister-in-law asked my brother if Robert had Parkinson’s. Nope, just nervous speaking in front of all those people.
I did tell my secret to Deda. I had to let out some of that dragon anxiety and talking with Deda helped me quiet my dragon down and allowed me to enjoy the rest of the wedding and dancing.
The wedding ended at the scheduled time and I walked in to find Kelly’s mom unable to undue the elastic button loops on the back of her dress, so I stepped in to help get Kelly out of her dress. The rain held off until we were packing up the last of the wedding gifts and the bride and grooms stuff. We all headed back to the same hotel, and met up with Dad and Mom#2 for a drink before heading off to bed.
Sunday found us taking our time packing up and then heading over to Disneyland for a bit of people watching before meeting up with Dad and Mom#2 as well as Jordon and Kelly for dinner at Napa Rose before Jordon and Kelly left for their honeymoon and Dad and Sue headed home to the SF Bay Area. All in all it was a wonderful weekend and we’re so happy the Kelly is officially now a member of our family.
Monday I went for that ultrasound, and they could not find anything in the location where the vascular changes were detected in the MRI. So good news at that point, but the recommendation was instead of a mammogram in 6 months I have another MRI. Sword of Damocles….
As much as I wanted to say I had dealt with my loss of Kelly from my support group, I had just touched the tip of that journey. Having my MRI come back with a “spot” to watch, drew me right back into my grief and my memories of Kelly. I threw myself back into work, and tried to forget all this. But I also felt like I could not hide this from my family. I hate being blindsided by medical news so I felt like I needed to tell them all about what is going on. We had the family reunion a few weeks after the wedding, and we shared a two room suite with my mom. I was able to have a nice talk with her about the findings and how this is a watch and see situation. I had time to think about it for a bit and digest that a recurrence was a possibility. Now that I knew more about this cancer and what surgery does, (experience), I had come to the decision that if this came down to biopsy with return, I would opt for the double mastectomy with DIEP flap reconstruction. I told this to my mom and she was good with that decision. She liked that I had time to process this information and come up with a plan just in case.
Over the course of the weekend family reunion I was able to speak with most of my extended family members in a one on one and let them know what was happening with me. Nothing yet, but I am now on a watch and see situation.
The rest of the year was mostly uneventful, celebrated the holidays, dealt with Robert’s abscess and decided when unemployment ran out I’d go back to the union and work as a temp until I got hired again.
My dear friend Stephanie from Support Group was hospitalized at the end of January with fluid in her lungs. Linda and I went to visit her, but I knew that this was caused by her metastatic cancer, it was in her lungs and this was not a good. They inserted a drain and she was able to go home after a few days. Linda and I didn’t say anything, but we both knew her time was limited. Yet another loss I knew I would have to deal with eventually.
The first Friday of March (6), found me going to a “First Fridays” in Long Beach at the EXPO Center to see Blake and the art Blake was exhibiting. Blake had some beautiful pictures of Bristle Cone Pines printed on metal. They were gorgeous. I checked out most of the other artists displaying works at the EXPO center. There was also a Tarot reader set up. She had multiple decks she worked with. I passed her several times and was drawn to her energy. I am not pulled to many who claim to read Tarot. Their energy usually does not pull me telling me they are not truly in tune with their spiritual self or the universe around them. I need that to be the case if I am going to trust them with a reading. I finally gave in to the pull and asked her for a reading.
Of course my first question was had my cancer returned. She pulled one card and looked at me with a clear gaze and said no, not yet. We went through a few more cards, about work, money, but then she put the cards down and without batting an eyelid, stared me in the eye and told me my spirit guides were very strong, and speaking to her. They were telling her to tell me that I need to complete my bucket list in 3 years. That was pretty direct and felt true in my heart. I thanked her for the message. I also found the perfect birthday gift for my mother from the artist that was set up next to Blake.
Then the pandemic set in and we were all ordered to Shelter at Home. Non-essential businesses were closed, toilet paper and cleaning supplies were bought in a frenzied mass of stockpiling, leaving shelves bare for weeks on end. We all had to start wearing masks. In person doctor appointments were cancelled. My next MRI was delayed as they had to space out people coming in for imaging. First my March appointment was pushed out 7 weeks to the end of April. Then I received a call, they could get me in two weeks earlier. I took it. This time my MRI report advised no new changes to my breasts from my surgeries or radiation. The small vascular changes they noted on my last MRI had solidified into a nodule, but not something that looked like cancer yet. The report also noted it looked like I was developing a cyst in my right breast. Recommendation, another MRI in 6 months. The cyst part also worries me as one of the gals in my Support Group, also with Triple Negative Breast Cancer, had what all the radiologists called a cyst in one of her breasts. She demanded they biopsy this cyst. When they tried to pull fluid from it, nothing came out. They had to do a core biopsy and sure enough it was another Trip Neg lump in the same breast she had surgery on previously. I am now on the cautious side of cysts!
We did take a quick trip out to Palm Desert before the pandemic lock down. Went to San Jacinto State Park at the top of Chico Canyon, overlooks all of Palm Springs/Palm Desert area, and went out to Joshua Tree several times to watch the sunset and see the stars. Since lockdown, we have spent some time in Bakersfield with Heather and Jose, as they have been very good with the social distancing and following mask and cleaning guidelines.
In July we went camping up in Sequoia National Park (Jose, Heather, Joseph, Kelly, Jordon and me). We did the Walk of 100 Giants, spent a night staring at the stars, I got very drunk, and had a wonderful conversation with my daughter-in-law Kelly. Stumbled my way back to our camp site and managed to not fall down!
Everytime I think it’s time for me to call the OCU hall to get temp work, more bad news comes out on the COVID-19 Pandemic. The latest news says cancer survivors have a higher chance of contracting the virus. So there is that news…. My unemployment keeps being extended automatically, so that helps. Eventually I will need an income.
We did lose Stephanie in June. Almost a year from when we lost Kelly. This has been hard for me to come to terms with. Especially since I know my own fate is hanging under that damn sword. I avoided this blog for so long because of not wanting to face the emotions tied with my current “on watch” situation, the echos of that tarot reading with the message from my spirit guides. Dealing with the grief of losing Kelly and Stephanie within a year of each other. Not being able to be with my support group in person or see my family except through Zoom meetings or Facetime. That 3 year warning weighs heavy on my mind, I feel like I am losing time. Time I don’t have. I still miss Kelly. I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch Stephanie’s Life Celebration held by her church and on posted to YouTube. Someday I’ll be able to watch it and celebrate her life, but right now my heart is still too raw to deal with that.
For not updating in a year, I think I have poured enough out for now. I will update again soon.
Life is dealing with Safer at Home orders
Kim, I love the way you write. So real and so honest. Thank you for sharing your story. You are always in my prayers!