Tuesday I found myself feeling very weak and tired, but able to start drinking again. Just not a lot. Tummy really doesn’t want anything in it, so drinking slowly so as not to create a return of the nausea monster.
Because of what has happened with the nausea and vomiting we have decided a 6 hour plus drive to the SFO area is not in the cards right now. We don’t know what caused the nausea to begin with, but I’m sure chemo is mixed up in this in some way. There is not enough time between my treatment tomorrow and Friday, our planned departure date, to figure out ways to control the nausea. I do have anti-nausea drugs and hand, but never thought to take them.
I know there will be more family celebrations I can go to, just not Hanukkah this year. I spent the day mostly just sitting on the sofa knitting, napping and drinking. I did make myself eat food, but I really do not have much of an appetite. Hubby says this is the time to take on a high protein diet as I won’t miss the carbs since I can’t taste them.
We got ready to head to Support Group, and there when it was my turn to share I talked about having to cancel our plans to drive north this weekend for Hanukkah, and all that entails, including now I will not see my mother. The thought of her coming here and being overbearing is daunting at best. I don’t have the energy to deal with all her questions, smothering and at times critical observations. I love her, I really do, but there are times when I cannot deal with her. Having her in my own space where I am finding comfort and peace in any way I can, is causing me mild distress. But I know she wants to see me on her trip out here, and part of our reason for wanting to travel north was to fulfill that desire.
I am torn, Hubby says this is about me, so whatever I want goes. My mother seems frustrated that we don’t have a place for her to stay. When my Dad comes down, he gratefully takes a mattress on the floor as a place to stay rather than bunk with all his friends and the club they take over for a weekend to gear up for their week long ride in the Arizona area in April. Mom is not enamored with sleeping on a mattress on the floor as getting up is very difficult for her.
We don’t have a guest room as Hubby works from home. A home office is more important to us than a guest room that would only be used a handful of times a year. Priorities!
We also talked about how our Eldest Son called me for my birthday. If you have read this blog in it’s entirety, you know he has not spoken with us in years. Having him call was a nice surprise. Everyone kept asking me questions about all of the above and sharing more and more of these relationships, and at one point it was pointed out to me that all mom’s want to make things better. I thought for a second and responded, I love my adult children, but I know they are adults now with relationships and households of their own. I am not going to disrupt what they have made by always jumping into their lives to try and make things better. I always ask them if they need me and what they want me to do. All this talking also made me realize having my mother here for a day would probably be OK, but because of all my different reactions to these new chemo drugs I am not sure I could handle anything longer than a one day visit. I’m so glad she moved to South Carolina and is closer to my Little Brother and his family. My sister-in -law and my mom get along so well, and I know she has found a daughter that is more to what she is looking for in a mother/daughter relationship. I know I don’t always fulfill that role successfully with my mother, and it pains me sometimes that I am not always the person she needs. I know she loves me, and I love her, but just because we love each other doesn’t mean we are able to be the person that fulfills the others expectations.
I will call my mother after my infusion tomorrow and let he know I can take a one day visit from her and anyone else who comes down, but I just don’t have the energy for anything more.
Life is prioritizing