I am still tired, but not as much. And my brain is functioning a little better. I know tomorrow I will feel great as I start taking the preparatory steroids tonight for tomorrow’s infusion. I know I will feel really good until about Thursday afternoon and then it will be the sleeping, brain scrambled frustrating hell I went through last week. I still have the sore on my tongue and I still cannot taste food correctly. I am not getting any respite on that front. It’s really hard to stay motivated to go to chemo. At least the CBD oil has the nausea under control. So much for Taxol/Carboplatin being less nauseating than Adriamycin/Cyclophosohamide cocktail.
We went early to the lab, and despite their computers being down, was still in and out of there fairly quickly. From there we stopped at Trader Joe’s and Albertson’s to do the grocery shopping. I wanted to pick up the ingredients to make a big pot of Chicken Noodle soup. TJ’s didn’t have any bone in, skin on Chicken Thighs so I figured I would just have to get that at Albertson’s.
When we got to Albertson’s they didn’t have any either. I was frustrated and about to have a meltdown in the store, but Hubby was able to talk me off the ledge, and helped me with an alternative. The reason for the bone in/skin on is to get some of the fats, gelatinous connective tissues and bone marrow from the chicken as all of these are good nutrients for me, without having to go through the process of trying to deal with a whole chicken. I don’t have the patience to deal with that. When I explained to him why I needed the bone in kind he pointed out that I will basically be braising the chicken the meat will fall right off the bones so use chicken legs and add some boneless thighs to get the meat you want. Use the meat off the legs that “falls” off and don’t worry about the rest.
A little more work for me, but a good solution. Change is very difficult for me to deal with now. I have no ability to think outside the box and no patience to deal with alternatives to what I have set my mind on as my solution. While I am dealing with changes I find it frustrating that I cannot turn my mind to the alternative which just makes the melt down even harder to deal with. I know this is happening and feel powerless to stop the process as hard as I try when it is happening. I feel like a petulant child and want to change my affect but it is so difficult. Part of my brain is yelling at me to stop the words coming out of my mouth, stop the pouting I know is happening. Think of a solution. Tears threatened yesterday, and that part of my brain was “no, you will not cry over damn chicken thighs!” I am grateful for my husband who had the patience to talk me through this stumbling block and provide a solution that is good even though at the time my brain was not willing to accept it as a great solution, I could only grudgingly accept the solution even though that small part of my brain was cheering. It just can’t break through the controlling part of my brain that rejects any and all changes.
After dealing with my near melt down in the meat aisle we both forgot about getting the baby food for the Toothless Wonder Cat, and we checked out as if all was right in the world. We headed home and put all the groceries away and I ate a small bite and drank some more Lemon/Honey tea before we headed out to my acupuncture appointment.
I explained to Homa everything that has been happening since my last appointment, and how the neuropathy never went away, how I could not hold the smaller needles used with the finer yarns, I kept dropping the needles and stitches, on top of not being able to keep the pattern in my brain and losing where I was on the physical pattern sheet. I told her about my inability to deal with change, my near melt down, our decision to not let me drive anymore, all of it. She said I need to give myself permission to heal, and she added more treatment points for blood flow to my brain and the neuropathy in my hands and feet. For the mouth sore her only suggestion was to add gargling with salt water to help keep my mouth clean. Oh yea, I forgot about gargling with salt water.
I still had a very hard time meditating while I was in treatment, my mind kept wandering. Not as bad as the previous days, but enough that I would realize I was “flitting” and pull myself back to the meditation at hand. As usual, I started with requesting blessings for friends, family, my doctors, etc. Then I gave my thanks for all my blessings. I truly am blessed! I am so grateful for my husband and his patience with me during my two year old phase right now. I am thankful for my children who are rolling with all this and taking over when they need to, and being supportive when they are not needed in the house. My family for all the messages of support and love, and taking the time to come visit with me when they can since I cannot get to them right now. For all my friends who are praying for me and sending me good thoughts and messages of encouragement. My boss who checks in on my every week to see how I am doing to provide words of encouragement. For those who know people who know me who are praying for me just because the person they know has asked. I have so much support and love pouring in, and here I act like a spoiled two year old. I am trying so hard to be “normal”. I need to remember how blessed I am more often, like every morning. Maybe this will help me in my brain acting like that two year old.
When I was done at Acupuncturist we headed to Costco to pick up my Rx. One still has not been reauthorized by my GP, but the other was processed, just not filled. They told me about 20 to 25 minutes. I went and sat in the “waiting” area. 45 minutes later I was still waiting. I got up to ask and one of the cashiers told me I needed to stand in line. I already stood in line! I was told 25 minutes, I’ve now been waiting 45. Finally one of the three cashiers took my info and looked up my Rx to see if it was ready yet. Yup, waiting on the shelf for someone to pick it up and call me…. Again, I felt the tears threatening. WTF? Blew my nose and picked up my Rx and headed out to hubby who was waiting outside. He had just texted me to find out what the holdup was, timing.
That was when we realized we never picked up the baby food. So we headed back to Albertson’s. The Toothless Wonder Cat was waiting for us as I forgot to feed him when we got home from the grocery store. Hubby went out and fed him while I made myself some food as I had only snacked in the morning. The trip to Costco took so much longer than we anticipated.
I started a new easy knitting project that I could take with me to Support Group and took in the hats, scarf and cowl I finished from the yarn cousin “P” sent. I still have two more hanks of yarn to work with, but I just cannot handle the needles needed to work with that yarn, so they will have to wait until I can knit with small needles again. I am not even sure I could crochet with yarn that fine. I guess I can try and see what happens.
We headed to group and went to our separate meeting rooms upon our arrival. One of the ladies in my group loved the wristlets and wanted to pay for them, so I told her to make a donation to Dr. Susan Loves Army of Women instead. She did right then and there. One of the other gals in my group took one of the hats and the cowl for her sister that is battling breast cancer. Another gal took the beaded scarf, it looked beautiful on her! I left the rest for anyone who needs them.
I did tell my group about all the issues I am now experiencing with this phase of chemo. One of the gals who just finished the last of her radiation, but also went through the same chemo regime I am on said she threatened to quit chemo every week. She totally understood my frustration and told me it will be over much more quickly than it feels right now. She said just keep venting here and you will get through this. It sucks and she understood the frustration of not being able to control my brain, etc. She said threatening to quit every week actually helped her to stay the course. So that is my plan, I quit chemo after this week!
Life is venting and threatening to quit (reverse psychology at its finest)