Sunday, February 11 – The Ugly Side of Chemo

Today was not a good day, not at all. For those with a weak stomach, stop reading now and just know chemo/cancer has a very ugly side.

That said, yesterday was just a normal day, a bit tired, took a nap as usual, watched the Olympics, tried to knit but couldn’t knit for long due to the neuropathy. Knitting made my fingers hurt.

Today started out “chemo normal”, tired, and feeling like I am damp, even though I have not had any really bad hot flashes in a while. I woke up in time to feed the Toothless Wonder Cat. I called him in, but he only wanted to be brushed, he didn’t want to eat. He’s been having mouth problems the past few days and not been eating as well. We try to not worry too much as we know he eats at the neighbors across the street too.

I ate some oatmeal and from there I went to wash up for the day. I needed a shower as well, so took my time as these simple activities really tire me out now. After my shower I had to go lay in bed for a bit before I could even dress, let alone contemplate starting my laundry. After I rested and could get myself dressed, I had to rest a bit again so I could get my laundry together and get that in the wash.

Those two activities completed I went to the sofa to watch the Olympics and try my hand a knitting again. The neuropathy is a little better today, but its still worse than it has been in the past on day 5 of the chemo cycle.

Hubby laid down for a nap, and while he was sleeping our neighbor stopped by with some Hungarian Paprika, both hot and sweet. I owe him a Soy Flour Chocolate Cake with Strawberries. Told him I would get that together for him once I had more energy. He has diabetes, and I know he has a hard time managing his blood sugars. I have tested this Soy Flour Chocolate Cake on other diabetics, and it has been a success with all who have tried it to date, with no elevation of blood sugar.  We talked for a bit, but he could tell I was getting tired so he said his farewells.

It was a few minutes later, while I was back to watching the Olympics that I got that feeling in my gut, yup, I was going to puke. I had just snacked on a banana about 20 minutes earlier. Headed to the bathroom and sure enough, up came some of my banana. My stomach was still feeling queasy, so I grabbed the bathroom trash can and went back out to the sofa as kneeling on the bathroom floor waiting for my stomach to do its thing is just not comfortable.

I heard Hubby answer his phone, sounded like he was talking to his mom while I continued to bring up small bits of banana slowly. Then shit got real. My whole gut started to hurt. And puking wasn’t just bringing up banana; it was trying to bring my toes up as well. Hubby came out of the bedroom and saw me bent over in pain with the puke trashcan in front of me. He texted the kids, no coming over today! I don’t know how you can have dry heaves with food still in your stomach, but I managed to do that a few times. The pain in my entire digestive tract continued to increase. I headed for the bathroom; this was going to get ugly.
I continued to intermittently bring up banana and Lemon/Honey tea between dry heaves. Then I felt the telltale urge to evacuate my bowels. This was diarrhea, and I am not talking watery poop with some solids mixed in, I am talking water pouring out my ass. And everything hurt to the point I felt like I could hardly breathe. Hubby had followed me into the bathroom while I was puking, asking if there was anything he could do. The pain was getting worse. He asked if I wanted water, more tea, anything. Ginger Ale, please. Once I had moved to sitting on the toilet, he exited. So he didn’t watch the horror that happened to me.

I was still puking into the trash can and water coming out the other end with the pain just getting worse. Then I was pouring sweat out of every pore in my body. I kicked off my pants and tossed them over by the bathtub. Then my underwear as I was just so damn hot and pouring sweat, but then another level of pain hit and I had to stop shedding clothes. I heaved so hard I thought I was going to pass out, I went light headed and was very dizzy. The pain just continued to increase and I thought for sure I was going to die right there shitting and puking.

I got through that wave of pain, but was so exhausted I could barely stay sitting on the toilet. I kept thinking, just wipe your ass and curl up on the bathmat. Then my body was on fire and I couldn’t do anything. I fell to the floor with everything hurting; my arms, legs and back on fire, a blazing pain and my gut screaming at me to get back on the toilet. I could not move. All I could think was any second Hubby is going to come back in and find me curled on the bathroom floor in so much pain I could barely breath with a dirty ass and half naked. He’s going to call 911 and this is how I will die.

I cried, and had snot coming out of my nose and pulled my pants over to wipe my nose, then used my wadded up pants to pillow my head. Hubby and gone outside to empty something, and I could hear him talking to someone, but I was in so much pain I could not even call out to him to come help me.

I am not sure how long I lay on the bathroom floor, alternately wishing to die and hoping the pain would end soon. Hubby came in and found me. He flushed the toilet, helped me wipe my ass, and tried to ask me what we should do. I didn’t want to move as everything still hurt, but it felt like it might be starting to go away. Hubby emptied the puke trash bag and put a new bag in the trash can for me. As the pain slowly receded to a horrible itching on my arms and legs we slowly put me back together so I wasn’t half naked. He helped me move to the chaise lounge so I could curl up, but not be stuck in the bedroom by myself.

At one point I felt like he was mad at me, and asked him why he was mad at me, I didn’t do this on purpose. I think it scared him and that was why he sounded angry. He calmed his tone after that, and was very attentive to me the rest of the day. He apologized for being outside for so long, even though it was probably less than 15 minutes. Our old next door neighbors drove up while he was outside and they visited for a bit. They had moved out towards Menifee almost two years ago. They were in the area visiting family and their son wanted to see their old house. Hubby explained what was going on with me and apologized that he could not invite them in for a visit, but today was a bad day.  That was an understatement…

I’m glad he got to visit with them. I’m kind of glad he wasn’t in the house to hear or see my fall from the toilet or hear me crying. It was bad enough to have to admit to him that I couldn’t clean myself up. I am sure if he had witnessed my fall from the toilet, 911 would have been called and I would have been hauled off half naked and covered in shit to the ER.

It took several hours, but I was able to drink all of an 8 oz. can of Ginger Ale and keep it down, even though my stomach protested every sip. I have graduated to Honey/Lemon tea again, and have managed to keep down most of a dry piece of toast. The diarrhea has subsided from all water to liquidy chunks. The fire that crept over my skin that turned to an extreme, painful itch has subsided to an occasional flare up of itch, but not the painful itch it was when it first went from painful prickly fire to itch. I think if I take some Benadryl it will knock out the itch. I will probably add the Benadryl to my night time pills.

Hubby made me promise I will tell Dr. Sikaria tomorrow about what happened today. Damn straight I will tell her! This is the closest I’ve come to thinking I would die or at least make an appearance in the ER. Today was ugly. The ugly part lasted a little over an hour, but that was an hour I was not sure I was going to survive. That scared me, a lot. If it scared me, I can just imagine how Hubby must have felt.

Life is glad today is over