Wednesday, March 14 – Two more days….

Tastebuds continue to improve; I can now taste all dairy I’ve tried so far almost normally.  For a long time dairy tasted horrible on my tongue.  I knew what it should taste like and what I tasted was NOT anything close to what it should have tasted like.  So this is a HUGE improvement.  Fuzzies continue to get longer and more growing in daily.  Not so much on the top of my head, all around the sides, peach fuzz back on my face (I was really hoping that would not come back…) and some on my arms, and in the nether regions.  No leg or armpits yet, and nothing to be seen of my eyebrows or eyelashes.  My nose is not running like a leaky faucet anymore, no only if I am walking outside or extra active.  Same with my eyes, so that is a great sign.

I am trying really hard today to concentrate on the good signs.  Last night was group and my surgery was discussed again.  I didn’t bring it up, I thought I was all good and reconciled with this surgery, and the “reconstruction” that will happen next week.  When I was asked about my surgery and how I was feeling I was all good.  When the group wanted me to go over again what is happening and I told them about a conversation I had with my cousin about starting up a bra exchange for breast cancer survivors, about posting “Hey, I have some barely used 38E’s up for grabs, anyone have…”  that type of thing.  We all laughed thought it was a great idea until one of the gals who is finished with all her treatment (but not all her reconstruction, she needs a couple more surgeries to correct issues she’s had), advised us that once you have surgery you cannot wear underwire bras again, ever…  What?

So that opened a whole new dialog, and everyone who’s gone through surgery, lumpectomy to mastectomy all agreed, they have all been instructed to never wear an underwire bra again.  When I asked them not even after a year or so, allowing all your tissues to heal from the surgery(ies), our group leader, who is a 6 year survivor, said her surgeon stated underwire irritate the breast tissue too much and can create new lumps in the tissue and they don’t want any lumps created, benign or not.

For those of you who have not read the first post of this blog (or don’t remember the info provided in the first post), I have been wearing underwire bras since I was about 16, when I started buying them for myself.  I really liked how they support my breasts and how they make them look.  Elastic band only bras always slid up my breasts and they looked funny in the cups, not natural or even well shaped.  Ok, I figured I’d need to wear spandex tank tops again or sports bras after surgery, for a while everything healed, but the no underwire ever was something new.  Ok, this was all new information for me to take in.  I was ok during group.  We talked about all sorts of things and even had show and tell with my head.   One gal, who just completed her 3rd of 6 chemo treatments (once every 3 weeks), opted to not shave her head when her hair started falling out.  She says all her darker hairs have remained so far.  We talked about how not all my “stubble” fell out once I was done with my chemo pattern baldness looks (remember these photos:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So she got to see and rub my head last night to feel how much stubble was left on the top of my head. Once she rubbed, everyone wanted a rub, so I walked around the room giving everyone a chance to touch my head and showed them all my pictures. We also talked about how my eyelashes and eyebrows didn’t fall out until the end.

There were other discussions, and our time ended all too soon. When I met up with Hubby after the end of our groups we shared our group discussions on our way home. When I told him about the whole bra thing, he made the statement that my boobs would not be the same after Friday. They will be different, and everything will be alright. I’ll figure it out.

That statement of my boobs not being the same again hit me hard. He was right, as much as I have been trying to be excited about new, perky, 20 year old boobs, I’ve been hiding from the truth. I am terrified of new boobs. I don’t want new boobs. I want my boobs, the ones that breastfed my babies. The ones my husband had fondled when we’re intimate. The ones he secretly caresses in public because he can, and then quietly boasts to me that he has done this intimate act. I am mourning the loss of my boobs, because hubby was right, they will never be the same again. I have to start a whole new relationship with my breasts, and it seems overwhelming right now. I am a 53 year old woman, and I am terrified I will never be me again after Friday. I know that this is stupid and I am wallowing in my fear, and I am better than this. And yet I wallow, and it all started with that one little statement. And I don’t want hubby to know that I was ok until he said what he said. In his group (family and caretakers group), they talk about how you should not say “it will be alright (or ok)” and “don’t worry about it”. I told him if he didn’t say these things to me I would think something is wrong. I just don’t have the heart to let him see he has sent me into a tailspin by saying something else while trying to help me with my dismay over a bra.

I have two days to get myself back together. I cannot go into surgery with this fear hanging on my heart, constricting it to the point that it backs up tears into my eyes and down my face.

Part of my fear is intimacy – sex. There has been none since chemo started. You cannot have any exchange of bodily fluids while on chemo as you can pass the toxic chemicals to your partner. I am sure hubby is waiting for me to say I am ready, but I am afraid. I have no pubic hair, would hubby feel weird about being intimate with a “naked” me? I have no idea what else chemo has effected down there… what if I am “broken” in my vagina? What if it doesn’t work they way it used to? What if it hurts now? I’m afraid to try. And being afraid to try, doesn’t that mean I am broken now? I don’t feel sexy right now. I feel bloated and hairless and everything but sexy. How would he even want to get naked with me? Then after Friday we throw in new boobs, how do I even do this?

So, there you have it. The mess of my brain and heart, still happening 6 months into this journey, and this time it really comes to the forefront because of a stupid bra. Making me face fears I’ve been hiding from.

Life is facing our fears (whether we want to or not…)