I talked to my cousin who had a breast reduction many years ago. She told me I cannot decide whether or not I like my new boobs until they are 6 months old. They will settle, they will change, even the squared off bottom of my right breast will change she said. Even though I am still suffering from chemo brain, with no patience, I am trying very hard to keep her words in mind. 6 months seems like such a long time.
I still find myself sleeping 10 to 11 hours a day/night. This morning I stayed in bed as long as possible. When I woke up nothing hurt. My feet didn’t feel tingly numb, my fingers did not have the tingly irritation, my underarm was calm, and my boobs didn’t hurt. Even my hot flashes were not coming with the prickly feeling that occasionally comes with them. I didn’t move; I just laid there relishing the feeling of nothing hurting, no irritation, no twinges, no wave of pain that starts in the middle of my breasts and feel like they tighten into hard painful lumps. I knew the minute I moved, all those things would start. It’s not taking my breath away pain, it’s not stopping me in my tracks pain, but it is wear me down through the day pain. I laid in bed savoring this relief for about two hours. Didn’t do anything, didn’t move, didn’t read, didn’t fall back to sleep. Just laid their and mentally explored my body while it laid at rest with nothing bothering it except my bladder. Finally my bladder just would not wait any longer and I had to get up and start my day.
We figured out that the Toradal keeps me awake in the middle of the night, so I sleep a lot more during the day, and my pain isn’t enough to for me to want to continue taking that. The Norco and Percocet make me extra sleepy and I have really weird dreams. Again, not enough pain/discomfort to warrant me taking either of those. I tried Tylenol, but that really didn’t change the minor aches and pains I feel all day long right now. I reviewed all my paperwork from Dr. Goldberg; I can take Advil again now that it has been two weeks since my surgery. I might try some of that today to see if that helps so I am not so tired out by the end of the day.
I’ve been up almost two hours now and my fingers are a constant irritating numbness. As soon as I sit up to get out of bed, the boobs start. It’s gravity, the weight shifting and my first big ache of the day starts. That one move does make me stop and sit for a moment while it passes. After that is just dealing with the waves of ache that come throughout the day.
The irritation of the nerves regenerating under my arm is a little less every day. Still irritates me but it’s no longer the absolutely raw feeling.
I keep hoping the neuropathy in my fingers and feet is getting better, but I think it’s because I have stopped trying to do as much with my hands and I have not been able to have any type of exercise the past two weeks. My paperwork from Dr. Goldberg says I can start doing light cardio now. Hubby has a hard time with me walking because he notices how quickly my gait and my step change from the neuropathy. But I am tired of just doing nothing. I do nothing all day long. I am ready to try and do something, not nothing.
I have a feeling this is going to just up the irritation from the neuropathy, but I am hoping this will help my overall outlook. Maybe just walk for a while on the treadmill each day. Today, I will do laundry and try to do a bit of house cleaning. Will see how today goes and how I feel at the end of the day.
I am getting physically better a little bit every day. I am still torn over radiation therapy. I know that will make me tired, and I understand its part of my treatment plan, but part of me really wants to not do it. It is a onetime deal. You only get to do radiation therapy once. Triple Negative BC is the most probable cancer for recurrence. Part of me wants to keep radiation therapy in my back pocket in case of a recurrence. Chemo did the job; my lumpectomy pathology report was the best anyone could ask for, complete eradication of all cancer in that area. There were no other signs of cancer on my MRI last year. I am cancer free. But all it takes is one cell…
As for my emotional health, I am working on that. Slowly, day by day, working on getting my dragon to curl back up into the little corner I allow it to stay, to lurk and wait for the next time it can try to overwhelm me. Support Group helps, I have some gals I am closer to in group than others, we talk between meetings. This helps a lot.
My hair is starting to come in a little more. I no longer have the Patrick Stewart look. It’s still soft and downy so the Grandson will still have a very soft head to rub on his next visit. My eyebrows look like real eyebrows now. They are still downy soft as well. And my eyelashes continue to grow in, nice and thick. I do have to admit I started using Rodan and Fields Enhancement Lash Boost. I am also trying out their skin care regime. Will let you all know in a month if I think it is worth the money.
Mom has her first meeting with her surgeon on Monday and finds out more about her cancer and their proposed treatment plan. In the meantime my little brother who she lives close to in South Carolina had a herniated disc in his lower back. After months of therapy his insurance finally approved a surgery. He had the surgery to fix the disc, and about two weeks ago re-herniated the disc. He had another surgery the past week. I am hoping this fixes it for good for him.
Well, this isn’t getting my laundry started, so I better get a move on.
Life is slowly healing
I love your eyelashes. They are nice and thick. I don’t know if the product you are using made any difference because you had beautiful thick lashes before and they would probably have come back that way but if it made you happy, well that’s okay. Your brows are filling in nicely too. Still can’t see your hair unless you get the camera really close. Is it coming in white? (Blonde? That’s what Myrt Wisnia would call it.) Sorry about the neuropathy. I was so hoping it would be improving a bit more by now. I understand it will take a few months to be better which isn’t good news now but when it goes away you’ll be a lot happier, I’m sure. Stephanie’s advice is really good to heed. Hers is the voice of experience so you should keep reminding yourself and mark your calendar if you need to have something nice to look forward to. I never would have known that myself and it is good information for me to have as well. I’m talking to more of my friends here about my cancer. Carol Injaychock (the author of the book I sent you) has been amazing and over-the-top supportive. She has offered to go to the doctor with me, sit with me and answer any questions, do anything I need her to do for me. I am so overwhelmed by her generosity of spirit. Then there’s Caroline deLuise (Robin’s stepmother) who recently opted for a double mastectomy rather than a lumpectomy, radiation and hormone therapy for five years. I asked her why she chose to do such a radical thing when her tumor was small and her doctor only wanted to do a lumpectomy. She said she did not want to go through the hell that she witnessed Robin suffer and she knew that if her breasts were both removed she wouldn’t have to worry about ever having a recurrence of breast cancer, she could skip chemo and radiation and only need the five years of hormone therapy. So she had the double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. She is very glad she did that because they found that her other breast was full of abnormal cells which might have sent her back in another year or two for another surgery anyway. Of course, chemo may also have taken care of those cells and avoided a second bout with cancer but she was adamant. A lot to go through either way. My neighbor across the street, Josie, had a similar diagnosis as I do and she had a lumpectomy, radiation and give years of Tamoxafin (sp?) she’s been cancer free for over 20 years. I guess it’s all a crap shoot. Anyway, I’m not anxious afraid, I’m anxious to get there and have some more information and answers. I’m tired of trying to guess at what they will recommend. So you are slowly healing while I am waiting to learn what it will take for me to catch up with you. And you know how impatient I can be. OY! LYTTMAB!
I think the waiting is the hardest part. I know for me waiting for the diagnosis after the biopsy was difficult, than once I had my diagnosis, it helped center me as I had so much to do and so little time to do it as I was being fast tracked into therapy. It was barely over a month from my physical with my PCP until they were scheduling me for chemo. I would have started chemo sooner, but I asked for one last weekend up north so we could do the annual fall members event at Schramsberg with Dad and Mom#2. They would have had me start chemo before I even had my port put in. My Oncologist was wonderful and agreed I should have the one last weekend away before I started treatment. She said spending that time with my family would be better for me than starting chemo a week earlier. I am anxious to hear your treatment plan as well. Soon! One more day. Love you too!!!!