Not only was today the next lecture in the 8 week series, which I am enjoying, as I am finding the new tools being presented in this series to be very helpful in my emotional and physical recovery, but it was also my next check up with Dr. Goldberg, my plastic surgeon.
The instructor for the lecture series helped us all with our affirmation statements. I have fine-tuned mine. It will be my mantra every morning and every night. I have homework again this week, print out my affirmation statement and post it where I will see it. I also have a list of 10 little things I want to accomplish. Need to post those up too. Next – Dr. Goldberg.
Dr. Goldberg walked into the exam room all smiles and hopeful, “the hole has completely closed up, yeah?” Not so much. It’s closed up a little more, but not a lot since we were there three weeks ago. Still a little under 1 CM or so to go. She pulled the packing strip from the hole and peered around. She’s not happy with what she is seeing. I have stopped healing once again. She said this time she can see the epithelial cells starting to grow right inside the hole where the 1 CM or so cavity is inside my breast. She said we have two choices; 1 – we continue as we have been trying to coax the healing along, but she thinks this may take weeks and weeks more, like 6 to 8 weeks more. And there is no guarantee that the cavity will continue to heal as it should as she believes based on what she can see the interior of my breast has “sealed” itself making “skin” start to grow inside. 2 – And this is her recommendation, take me back into surgery, she opens up what is left, cuts out the healed layer (epithelial layer) over the scar tissue and sutures/glues it all together. She may have to leave a drain again, but if she does this time it will not be removed for at least one week, maybe two. She believes this will be quicker and get me onto the final phase of my treatment, radiation therapy, sooner rather than later.
I asked her how long it would take to heal from a second surgery if we go this route. She advised 3 maybe 4 weeks. I weighed this against the 6 to 8 to never weeks, and have to do the surgery anyway plan and agreed surgery it is. Hubby agrees as well. She was hoping to work me in this Friday, but I told her we would be out of town the remainder of this week. Hubby was worried I would be upset if we waited until next week for this surgery. Nope, I am good. I would rather keep the schedule we have set up for the Stanford Study I am included in, than disrupt those plans for a fix of my boob.
Dr. Goldberg said it would be easy, should only take about an hour and we can do this as outpatient. Now that I know I can ask for a patch prior to anesthesia to help control the nausea I experience, I am not so trepid about doing an outpatient surgery, other than I cannot defer the co-pay amount with the rider on our insurance to cover hospital stays as it will not be an overnight hospitalization. Oh well. I’ve saved for this.
She did seem to get mad at me for not liking my boobs. She said she has seen some bad boobs, and mine look fantastic compared to others. She started this little rant while I was laying down, saying how good they look and how symmetrical they are. I kind of snorted and said “sure, until I sit up they look somewhat symmetrical.” She had me sit up. This is when you can really see the droop of the right breast, the one with the hole in it. Again she tried to poo poo this but I could see in Amanda’s face (nurse/assistant) that she agrees with me, they don’t match, at all. But I am getting better with this fact. Dr. Goldberg was all hyped up and pointing out the positives in her loud, high, slightly accented voice. Like she is a cheerleader telling her losing team they are all winners. This is where she started expressing anger, or maybe its frustration, because I don’t see what she sees. I tried telling her this is a process, my process. I know they will not look the same as they did before, but this was a lot of change for me to take in when I really wasn’t expecting this much change. I’m not sure how much change I was thinking it would be, but it wasn’t this much. I told her I am working on it; it’s ok that I don’t like them yet. I’ll get through this. Even Hubby spoke up and said she’s still working through her mourning process. She then pointed out how full they are on the sides, and my thought was yeah, because everyone loves having full side boobs. I almost wanted to laugh at that one.
She finally quit her crowing rant (because that it what she sounds like when she gets into this mode, a crow, cawing at me because it doesn’t like what I am doing), and taped a 4×4 gauze pad over the hole. No more stuffing it with gauze strip. Hubby asked her if he should still rinse it out with the saline solution. She said sure, but I have a feeling the hole to the inside will scar over fairly quickly now that we will no longer be shoving gauze strip through it. The good news is this brings me this much closer to the ability to swim for exercise. Dr. Goldberg filled out the paperwork to get me back into the OR and I signed it. Then she let us talk to Mandy about the possibility of getting me in next week. She said it looked good, there were several openings, and she would just have to secure the OR at the hospital. Right now we’re just waiting on a call from Mandy for confirmation of date and time for the next surgery.
My shoulders have really been bothering me, so I told Hubby I wanted to try and scheduled a massage for tomorrow. He said there was no way I would be able to get into Dr. Dave’s office on such short notice. Told him I was thinking more of Janelle, who used to work at Dr. Dave’s office but has her own massage therapy practice with a store front in Redondo Beach. I/we drive by it all the time on the way to Cancer Support Community. He asked if I was sure Janelle still owned it. Only way to find out is to call, so I did. It was Janelle and she remembered me as well and is very excited to have me come in tomorrow so we can work on my shoulders. I did warn her that I am recovering from breast cancer and not sure if I can even lie on my stomach. She said we will figure it out. There are specialty tables and forms we can use to help support me comfortably while she works on my upper back. I know I will be under a drape, but I feel really weird knowing I will be naked.
Once I had that out of the way Hubby asked me how I was doing. I knew he meant about having to go back for another surgery, and delaying it until next week. I was able to tell him I am good with this. I want to move on with my treatment, and I am getting over my boob issues. Not completely there yet, but I have been working on it and the big decision is to focus more on the exercise and losing weight portion instead. If I really still feel out of proportion after I have reached a more comfortable weight, then we can discuss my boobs again, see what my options are, but right now, yes, I am good. I am really good with waiting until next week. I want to see my parents again; I want to have Father’s Day Dinner with my Dad next Saturday night as we had planned.
Then Hubby was worried about surgery interfering with possible plans we have made with the neighbors for a little wine and cheese get together the weekend following; and we signed up for the special event fund raiser for Cancer Support Community – Celebrate Wellness, that is being held at the South Coast Botanical Gardens. The tickets were not cheap, but since this is a second surgery and I already have the armor bras that hold everything in place, this should not be an issue. I am prepared for this and I don’t think it will be nearly as uncomfortable as the first two surgeries as it will not be nearly as invasive. She’s just going in and cleaning up the remaining cavity, taking off the top layer of healed “skin” and gluing it all together. If it won’t glue together, that is where the drain will come in.
If you are interested in supporting the Cancer Support Community, the fundraiser is on their website. I have the link to CSC on the side bar and a link for the Celebrate Wellness event here.
My fingers and feet still hurt, the more I use them the more they hurt, but putting together a plan to deal with my weight and over all body image feels right. I feel like a plan is coming together. Hubby even talked about getting an endless pool installed in the back yard so I wouldn’t have to go to a gym to “swim” or workout in water to keep the pressure off my hands and feet. He’s so sweet. I told him I already scouted out a gym with a pool I can join in the mean time once I no longer have a hole in my boob. I also scheduled that referral appointment with the neurologist. Monday July 2 is when I get to meet her and review my neuropathy issues and how we deal with them until it goes away!
Now I need to get hopping on my homework!
Life is moving forward despite the boobs