We did the Grocery shopping today. Costco, TJ’s and Albertson’s. It takes hours! Didn’t help we had a long line to stand in to return the leftover Halloween Candy. A great reason why we give out full size bars instead of the Halloween specific bite size bagged candies. Costco carries the full size bars all year long. What we don’t use we can return. This year was the first time I can remember we only gave out 3 boxes of full size bars. Usually it is closer to 6 or 7, and on occasion has been as high as 8 boxes of 30 bars per box.
I also had to get a second pair of glasses updated. Chemo dries you out, dry mouth, dry eyes, dry skin. I already have issues with dry eye, which makes it difficult to wear contact lenses. Since my second cycle of chemo I have not been able to successfully transition back to my contacts like I did after my first cycle. So I am relegated to using my glasses again full time and that means I have no sunglasses I can wear. Hence, why I dropped off my secondary frames to get those lenses updated with the current Rx and include the transition lenses so I have glasses I can wear outside.
Then, I had to pick up the refilled Rx’s from the pharmacy there as well. Hubby was very patient and picked up all the items needed off our list while I waited in the various lines to get all the Costco stops completed. I also picked up some dry eye moisturizing drops. I’ve never had to resort to eye drops before for my dry eye issues. But the past few days my eyes have continued to water to the point I feel like I am “crying” most of the day. When your eyes water for no apparent reason like this it is a sign of dry eye. Your eyes are not creating the correct tears to lubricate the eyeball, so they overproduce the other tears, the ones produced when you cry or have an allergic reaction, to compensate. I started using the drops as soon as we were home and it seems to be helping. I’ve stopped “crying”.
After missing the past two weeks of our Support Groups because of the World Series and Halloween, we returned to our normal schedule. In my group, we still had many absent, but it was good to see some of the girls I have missed talking with and sharing our knowledge on how to deal with various “chemo” and other treatment things as they come along.
I relayed my saga of the past two weeks, the missed chemo infusion due to my liver function, how they pointed out my herb tea as a possible culprit. We all agreed we’re all told no herbal supplements during chemo, so it makes sense that we can correlate herb tea to that ban, even though none of us have ever been specifically told no herb teas until my issue.
I was encouraged by all that I still have eyelashes. They were all there when I had to admit my breakdown due to that little tidbit of the possibility of losing them. Cheryl was even quick to show me how her eyelashes are growing back so quickly! I complemented her on how well her radiation burns from her last rounds of her radiation treatments has cleared up so well. Her chest looked horrible her first time at group. I could not imagine her skin ever looking normal again the way it looked when we first met her. The change was amazing.
We also discussed neuropathy and how I am having lingering effects after my second treatment that I don’t think will clear up completely before the third cycle on Friday. It’s better than it was at the beginning of the cycle but I still feel it slightly in my toes, and depending on what I am doing in my fingers. I made the comment that my lips and gums cleared up pretty quickly, but having the neuropathy there was very distracting. Cheryl was nice enough to send me a picture of what she used to help with her issues with neuropathy. She used Glutamine, which can be found in most health food stores. Some in our group said their doctors said no, and others doctors said yes it could be taken.
My neuropathy is not bad, yet, but it’s the fact that after two cycles it’s not going away, I am worried how bad it can get, and want to do what I can to manage the symptoms. Currently my symptoms have been limited to that feeling right before that pins and needle feeling you get when a limb “falls asleep”. There is also a class offered once a month at the Cancer Support Community that provides direction in exercises and stretches that can help with the symptoms of neuropathy. I have signed up for the next class.
We had a new girl in our group tonight. I recognized her fear and that overwhelmed feeling she was clearly exhibiting. She started crying almost from the moment she arrived. We all took turns introducing ourselves and providing our diagnosis and where we were in our treatment process. I added to my intro the fact that after my first Support Group meeting I had a melt down in the parking lot because I was so overwhelmed at that point in my journey and it was OK. It is OK for her to be overwhelmed too, and I emphasized that I am still there and she will be stronger than she knows. The whole group agreed and we hugged her and held her hand as she cried out her new diagnosis and feeling so helpless.
That is the biggest issue with a new diagnosis. There is no control yet. You are bounced from doctor to doctor as your team is built, there are so many different things that need to happen before real actions/treatment begins, and most breast diagnostic groups now start this process and schedule many appointments before you have even been told you have breast cancer. You come into this devastating news and have not even processed what is being told to you about your cancer and all the different pieces of the diagnosis. You are sitting there trying to comprehend what’s being said and you don’t know what any of it means, despite most places trying to explain all the pieces that go into your diagnosis. It’s beyond overwhelming, and then, they are handing you page after page of appointments and doctor information, that have already scheduled for you based on your insurance and who they consider would be a best match within your coverage group. You are not in control at this point.
Most women I know are the ones who have managed their families “health”, scheduling doctors appointments not only for themselves, but for their families. If someone needs a specialist, they are the ones starting that legwork, getting the referral, researching the doctor, scheduling the appointment. To have this taken away by a group who is trying to help you takes away your power, makes you feel like flotsam stuck in a whirlpool, out of control with no changing this in sight. It is beyond overwhelming, it’s disorienting. To suddenly be thrust into this position of powerlessness of new diagnosis can take the most strong of us down so easily.
We all told Rebecca that her power will come back, it get’s easier, the further into her journey she goes. While she cried the tears we have all previously shed, we let her and told her we understood, we have all been there, and we are all testaments that she too will find her voice, her control, her power in the coming weeks, and we will be there to hold her hand when she needs it, celebrate her little victories, mourn her loses with her, and be a village.
We all agreed the Dr. Susan Love Breast Book is a good resource, and I told her one of the reasons why I really liked the book was because Dr. Love really understood that despite all the statistics, various treatments, genetic testing, side effects, and various outcomes, they really don’t mean much to an individual, because what is happening to her, her story, is 100%. We all sat there nodding, yes, our stories are 100% us. Statistics don’t mean crap when it’s 100% your story. That seemed to help her. Knowing her story is 100% her story, not just a damn statistic. She’s getting her power back, one small step at a time.
It was a good group and we quickly dissolved beyond Support Group to a Village of Women that could no longer be steered by our Group Leader to remain on certain subjects. Anne, our group leader realized with 10 minutes left of our allotted time, it was no use to try and redirect us, we were in full bonding and uplifting our newest member mode. She let us do our wonderfully woman thing and we all left feeling much better about our situations and shared connections.
Life is knowing your Village.
Today was “Date Day” with the Darling Daughter. 
We knew a good thing when we found it. Once we stopped “living in sin ” and made it legal 14 years ago, we woke up the next morning with the sinking feeling we had ruined it. But we took turns calling our parents anyway, letting them know we had married the day before with the kids as our witnesses.
Fantasyland, through Sleeping Beauty’s Castle and back down Main St. and head over to Cal Adventure. And we walked that park. I finally told Hubby I was starting to wear out so we needed to head back to Disneyland to pick up our planned purchase. It was already 2:30 PM. It was a great day and I think I was asleep within seconds of hitting the freeway heading home.
