I go for the diagnostic exams. Feeling a little concerned, but this is nothing. Just a little inconvenience, First is the mammogram. It wasn’t the little localized paddles, it was the normal paddles, and they didn’t even squish me that hard. It did hurt, but not nearly as much as I thought it would. I did have one tear slip out and the poor tech was so sorry she was hurting me. I felt bad as I think the tear was more from the anxiety than anything else. Diagnostic mammograms were really a breeze compared to what I imagined. The technician excused herself to insure the radiologists had what they wanted on the images taken and then she was back hustling me over to wait for ultrasound. I was a little alarmed at how quick she seemed to want to get the images to the radiologist, and she wouldn’t let me see the scans. I knew if I really wanted to I could have pushed to see the scan, as it is my right, but I didn’t want to go there. Besides, this is nothing, it’s a cyst.
I was taken in for the ultrasound. The technician and I totally hit it off. Trading stories while she saved images of The Lump. Next thing I know, she too is exiting the room hurriedly, to make sure the radiologist is OK with the images secured. Now I’m starting to really feel like this may not be something so easy. Next thing I know the radiologist steps into the exam room with the technician, and explains to me that The Lump is not a cyst and we need to do a biopsy so we know what we’re dealing with.
Before I can even process this news, the tech has me up and going over pages and pages of paperwork, and I’ve been scheduled for a biopsy on Thursday morning at 9:45. I will not be able to work that day, as once the biopsy is done I will have to ice my boob for at least 6 hours. Boobs bleed a lot. Can easily reopen the wound, and my head is spinning. This is not happening.
I managed to get a text off to my cousin between the announcement by the radiologist and the Tech telling me what will happen, when, how and what I need to do to prepare. Text to cousin – “Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!!!!!!! it’s not a cyst. Biopsy is next.” Response “Oh Jesus!”
Now my world is starting to spin. They are rushing this, is this is cancer? How the fuck did I get cancer in my fucking right boob!! It can’t be cancer. It’s benign. Breathe, slow, count to three, exhale, count to three. Again, count to four, exhale, one, two, three, four. I am out in the parking lot, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Call my husband who is still driving from Boise to Vegas. Don’t hyperventilate. Husband says don’t jump to conclusions. It could still be anything. In my gut, I know its cancer. The Lump – it’s trying to kill me, I just know it.
I try to remain calm that afternoon as I sort through my feelings. My dad and stepmom are arriving Friday to celebrate her birthday at the Disneyland Parks. We’re supposed to meet them for dinner Friday night, and meet them again on Saturday at the park, with dinner again already planned and reservations secured at the Blue Bayou. My cousins husband is turning 50 this weekend, she is throwing him a surprise party. We had already committed to my parents for Disneyland, we would not be heading up to the bay area for his party. But my mom has flown in from South Carolina to spend a few days with friends from her old Temple in Northern California and finish it off with the surprise party. I can’t make my cousin keep my secrets, not a secret like this, not one so big, not one that is now scaring the shit out of me. I’m going to have to tell my mom at least. And the kids. Husband arrives in Las Vegas and we talk a bit. It’s going to be OK, this is nothing. Life is good.
I take a deep breath and call my mom. Explain what has happened, and tell her about the biopsy. I text my cousin, tell her I have told my mom, she doesn’t have to keep the secret. She texts back she’d told her mom too, now. I should be expecting a call from my aunt. I’ve told all the kids. Including the oldest son, who no longer talks to us because we’re the root of all evil in his life. That is another story that for another place and time. Despite his issues with us, he is still loved. I call him and leave him a message. Everyone that needs to know, knows.
My aunt calls me. Reassured me this is nothing. Both her and my mother (her sister) had to go back for additional screenings because of dense breast tissue creating shadows in their mammograms. Both about the same age I am now. Well, yes Auntie – I’ve had to do that as well a few years back. I asked her if she could feel a lump when this happened to her. No, oh, well, yeah, it’s nothing. We left it at that, and I could feel the tiny seeds of fear starting to sprout roots in my gut.
I have made arrangements at work to be off Thursday and Friday to deal with the biopsy and all the steps I have to take to insure I don’t reopen the wound and have it bleed all over the place. My anxiety factor has now been elevated.
Life is whispered secrets of fear